The Filthy Commoner

BOOK REVIEW - 8 Dates by John Gottman & Julie Schwartz Gottman

Dating is really hard, mkay?

Well not initially… At the beginning it’s a glorious, fun filled time fuelled by curiosity with romance lacing everything with an intoxicating bias towards unadulterated awesomeness. As our intrigue dines on discovery and our brains pack their bags and p**s off to fantasy land, everything is wonderful with the only hard thing being a certain part of our bodies (I got that XY chromosome blend, I speak only for myself).

And then after that we get to know each other.

The real person who’s not putting on a show, putting their best foot forward and has gotten a bit more comfortable with being themselves.

• You fart in front of her.
• She has an epically irrational whinge.
• You decide to not unfold the socks so they are the right way out when doing washing.
• She decides to notice that you haven’t shaved in 6 days (it’s like sandpaper on their face when you make out, dudes).

Enter John Gottman & Julie Schwartz Gottman, the founders of the Gottman Institute. This is a research-based institute that is dedicated to studying and strengthening relationships. Forged Relationships. The Gottmans are Psychologists. This means they know heaps of stuff about human behaviour, mental processes and the single most terrifying thing known to males of the face of the earth… Emotions.

They have teamed up with Doug Abrams (helps real smart people write books) & Rachel Carlton Abrams (physician who specializes in being a really neat partner to have) to bring us 8 Dates, the single best relationship book known to humanity, it’s just been awaiting my praise. I have read about 6 so far, take that as you will.

8 Dates is so good. It has such a clever way of unpacking the heavy stuff without it feeling heavy. You don’t feel like you’re being talked down to and it’s not chewy like some other books as it keeps things simple and fun. With practical applications straight off the bat in the form of a date that you share with your partner at the end of each chapter, you leave feeling better informed than you can imagine. Not just about your partner, but about yourself too!

• I had no idea how much my upbringing influenced how I view money.
• Or that where I travelled could affect the premium I place on owning a house.
• Fighting is not to be avoided in relationships!? But something to be done fairly?

We’ve seen how disastrous it is to ‘keep the peace’ in fear of not upsetting people when something actually needs to be said… learn about it here.

If you are looking for something to hide behind or justify sh*tty behaviours, this is not the book for you. It has a very gentle but uncompromising manner that reinforces that the desire for an awesome relationship is a responsibility that lies with you. You gotta do the work and like so many things that truly matter – the results are rented, and the dues must be paid each week through a bit of effort and consistency.

With trust and commitment, managing conflict, sexual intimacy, and financial/work alignment being covered off, it also covers

• Family dynamics
• Shared fun
• Personal growth
• Supporting each other's dreams

These are the foundations folks – I’m an expert now, I’ve read a book. But seriously, after unpacking these things it’s crazy how much I didn’t know about myself. Understanding these things has created clarity and helped identify the red flags that can then be classified as a work in progress, something that was flying under the radar or the worst case scenario – a red flag that just won’t change.

This book has helped me see the differences between myself and my lady through such a healthy lens and made me realise how lucky I am. How lucky I am to have her and everything she brings to the table and how lucky I am to have somehow grown to be a man that’s proud of what I bring too. It has diminished a huge amount of pressure I used to feel about how I ‘should’ be navigating my connection with her and fast tracked identifying any non-negotiables that would have torpedoed the relationship later on.

It makes me feel hopeful despite previous failings. Who you spend your life with is the single most important decision we’ll ever make and will impact every single part of our life in some form or manner, doing a little homework around this would make some sense. This book is the teacher, empathetic friend, old crusty person with so much wisdom and light hearted, quaintly ironic commentator all rolled into one.

Relationship gone a little stale? Chances are you have stopped dating each other. Let this book bring you back to each other with a new baseline understanding of each other. Like the most fulfilling things in life, it’s not meant to be simple. But this book can help you prioritise what’s hard in your relationship, might as well be in control of that, right?