Engaging Play

TUESDAY TIP! Before asking for input, tell people what kind of input you're asking for.

Here are five very different invitations.
• “I'd love your ideas. We're starting with a blank page.”
• “I have a direction in mind, but I want you to poke holes in it.”
• “I'd like your recommendation, and then I'll make the final decision.”
• “This decision has already been made. I want your help figuring out how we implement it well.”
• “This is something we need to decide together.”

When we don't make the distinction clear, people can spend time giving input they think will shape a decision, and then later can be disappointed to find that the decision was already made. Or they can assume they're just being consulted when you actually want them to help decide. That's where frustration, confusion and the occasional “Why did you ask me if you weren't going to listen to me?” come from.

So before you ask, get clear about what you're inviting people into.
Then tell them.

Good collaboration doesn't require everyone to have the same role.
It requires everyone to understand the role they have.

Monday Musing! Collaboration doesn't mean everyone gets a say in everything.

Sometimes, in our effort to be collaborative, we invite everyone into every decision.
And then...
We have meetings to prepare for the meetings.
Decisions take forever because we're waiting for consensus.
No one is quite sure who actually gets to decide.
And when everyone owns something, sometimes no one really owns it.

That's not better collaboration. That's over-collaboration.

Great teams know when they need everyone's thinking, and when they don't.

Sometimes we need to create something together.
Sometimes I need your perspective before I decide.
Sometimes I need your expertise.
Sometimes I simply need to keep you informed.
And sometimes I need to trust you to own it and get out of your way.

The goal isn't to include everyone in everything.
It's to be intentional about whose voice is needed, when, and why.

Well, this certificate took the scenic route. 😄

I completed the Emergent Facilitation Mastery program back in June and had pretty much given up on ever seeing the actual certificate.

And then… here it is.

Looking back through my notes reminded me just how much I took from this training.
One idea in particular has stuck with me: Collaboration is powerful. It’s also messy.

When people are trying to solve something difficult together, there will be uncertainty. Different perspectives. Energy shifts. Detours. Sometimes a little chaos.

The facilitator’s job isn’t to eliminate all of that. It’s to know how to work with it.

That takes a lot more than knowing a few good activities. It means listening deeply, asking the right questions, managing time and energy, reading the room, staying neutral, creating an inclusive environment, connecting the dots, and creating a container where people can do their best thinking.

And perhaps one of the hardest parts:
Being the guide without becoming the person who solves the problem.

One of my favorite reminders from my notes was:
“It’s not about avoiding the storm, it’s about dancing in the rain.”

So yes, I’m very happy to finally have the certificate. The program focused on adapting in the moment and helping teams move toward strong outcomes, even when challenging things come up in the room.

But the bigger value has been using these ideas in rooms ever since June.

Quick leadership question for your morning:
When does collaboration actually make the work better — and when does it just slow everything down?

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately with leaders who are trying to do three things at once:
empower their people,
stay out of the weeds,
and still lead well.

Those goals can pull against each other if we assume “good leadership” always means bringing everyone into everything.

It doesn’t.
Sometimes we need shared thinking.
Sometimes we need clear ownership.
Sometimes we just need someone to decide.

I’m going live today at 12:00 CT for a short conversation about how to tell the difference.

Not Everything Needs to Be Collaborative.
Less than 10 minutes. Come join me.

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“But I told them.”

It sounds like proof that communication happened.

But is it?

I’ve seen leaders get frustrated when a deadline is missed, a decision is misunderstood, or someone delivers something completely different from what was expected.

And often, the assumption is: I explained it. They should have understood.

That’s exactly the gap I’m exploring in my latest blog post.

Because sending information and creating shared understanding are not the same thing.

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “But I told them,” this one’s for you.

Read it here: https://buff.ly/sZ9eD2F

“But I Told Them.” Isn’t a Communication Strategy - Engaging Play “But I told them” isn’t enough. Learn why effective communication depends on shared understanding, not just sending the message.

Tuesday Tip! Before dividing up the work, spend some time thinking together.

Here's an easy trap for busy teams:
We get a new project and immediately start assigning pieces.
“You take this.”
“I'll handle that.”
“Can you own this part?”

Before you divide up the work, try spending a few minutes thinking together first.

What are we trying to accomplish?
What are we seeing differently?
What assumptions are we making?
What possibilities haven't we considered yet?

Then divide up the work.

You'll still get the efficiency of clear ownership, but you'll have the benefit of everyone's thinking before everyone disappears into their own piece.

Collaborate first. Coordinate second.

Monday Musing! Dividing up the work isn't the same as collaborating.
Sometimes what we call collaboration is really just division of labor.

You take this.
I'll take that.
We'll put it all together at the end.

Efficient? Sometimes.
Collaborative? Not necessarily.

Real collaboration happens when our thinking affects each other's thinking.

We ask questions.
We challenge assumptions.
We build on ideas.
We see something differently because someone else was in the conversation.

Working alongside each other isn't the same as thinking together.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of facilitating a strategic planning session with the Chapters Executive Board at Lyric Opera of Chicago.

And this is one of my favorite kinds of work.

The room was full of people who care deeply about the organization, bring years of experience, and have no shortage of ideas. The challenge wasn’t generating more ideas. It was creating the space and structure to make sense of them.

We explored where the Chapters have been, where they are today, and what could be possible. We talked about purpose. We surfaced opportunities. We prioritized what matters most. And then we started asking the really important question:

How do we give this life?

By the end of the afternoon, a lot of individual thoughts had become shared priorities, with real ideas for how to begin moving them forward.

This is the kind of strategic planning I love: not walking into a room with the answers, but creating a process that helps a group find clarity, make choices, and build ownership together.

Because a good retreat or planning session shouldn’t just produce a wall full of sticky notes.

It should help people know where they’re going, and get them ready to move.

I’m still thinking about my time at the Therapeutic Recreation Summit last week, where I had the opportunity to lead a session on Authentic Leadership in Action: Leading with Emotional Intelligence.

One of the ideas I keep coming back to is this:

Leadership isn’t really tested when everything is going smoothly.

It’s tested when emotions are high. When something unexpected happens. When we’re stressed, frustrated, or pulled in several directions at once.

Those are the moments when emotional intelligence matters most.

Can we notice what’s happening in ourselves? Can we read what’s happening around us? Can we slow down just enough to choose how we want to respond, rather than simply reacting?

That’s the practice.

And the more we practice it, the more intentional we can become about how we show up as leaders — especially when it’s hard.

I’m grateful for the thoughtful participation, energy, and conversation at the Summit, and for the chance to spend time with professionals doing such meaningful work.

TUESDAY TIP! Don't ask: “Does that make sense?”
Ask: “What are you taking away from this?”

“Does that make sense?” is one of those questions that sounds useful but usually gets us exactly one answer: “Yep.”
Instead, when something actually matters - a decision, a change, an expectation, a handoff - try asking: “What are you taking away from this?”

Not as a test. It is a check for shared understanding.
You may discover that what felt perfectly clear in your head landed very differently for someone else. And that's useful information.

The goal isn't simply to say it clearly.
The goal is to make sure we're all leaving with the same understanding.