Weldon Gaines

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Wealth: It's All Relative"

Basic Wealth:

Baby Boomers view wealth as retiring comfortably and leaving a little something for the kids-funeral expenses.

Gen Xers view wealth as a well-funded retirement by encouraging their kids to take student loans.

Millennials view wealth as having retired their student loans.
Their kids are SOL.

Gen Zers view wealth as having a job and two side hustles. Add in kids and they're honorary Jamaicans.

Crazy Wealth:

Wealth can earn one adoration, celebrity, and an acquittal.

We Americans will reluctantly accept a wealthy person's "not guilty" verdict. History says the exceptions are pe******ia, pension fraud, and OJ.

Immense wealth coupled with a superiority complex should lead one to seed the minds of others and not just their wombs.

Wealth and stupidity are not related. But stupidity, like wealth, is passed down.

We Americans worship wealth, health, and God. The sentiment is right. What's wrong is the order.

We Americans falsely equate wealth with intelligence. The truth is wealth is equal to intelligence the way bliss is equal to diarrhea.

I am not against those who have achieved wealth. I congratulate them. Because I'm a thief.

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"The Superiority Complex Issue"

{...a defensive mechanism to hide one's own inferiority.}

Superiority Complex: Acting bigger and better than one has a legitimate right to. See chihuahuas ...and Trump.

No truth in that Trump's master bath only has a wide waist-high mirror. Because if it did, it would caution: Objects in mirror are even smaller.

Trump may not be an alleged superiority complex sufferer. Because if he were, he would teach a master class in corporate bankruptcy.

Alleged superiority complex sufferers always compare themselves to others like "Sleepy Joe Biden". No doubt dreamt up by Trump while at a cabinet meeting napping.

It is unfair for Trump to compare his presidency to Obama's. Obama was burdened with a conscience.

Mental health professionals say the best way to deal with an alleged superiority complex sufferer is to stay emotionally detached, set firm boundaries, and vote Democrat.

Trump would do well to learn from Democrats. Democrats know that "We" is reasonable doubt. "I" is a confession.

Examples like "low IQ", "corrupt", and "loser" show how Trump belittles the White Houlse mirrors.

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Family We Have. Friends We Choose"

"A friend in need is a friend indeed". Especially, when they co-sign.

Aristotle said, "A friend to all is a friend to none". Hence, the birth of gossip.

The "7 Friends Theory" poses that you need seven distinct types of friends to meet different needs. I believe you need ten:

The Childhood Bestie: You've known each other since childhood. That's why you recognized her feet on Onlyfans.

The Anchor Friend: The one you call at 2:00 a.m. because he's also a 24-hour Bail Bondsman.

The Spark Friend: The one who ignites your business inspiration for one-third of the insurance pay out.

The Bridge Friend: The mentor or mentee that brings optimism because he is a reliable alibi.

The Comedian Friend: The one who always gets you to laugh at yourself within two drinks minimum.

The Low-Maintenance Friend: You can go months without talking because he can't stay out of solitary.

The Lawyer/Confidante Friend: She is dispassionate, discerning, and not yet disbarred.

The Sibling Figure Friend: The friend so close he feels like family-so you go to "23 and Me" to make sure it's safe to date.

The Love/Relationship Friend: The one who knows all the intimate details of your love life because she likes to watch.

The Unbreakable Constant Friend: The one who knows that silence between the two of you means acquittal.

Epilogue: We are cast in family. We are painted by friends.

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"The 'Other' Man's Handbook"

To call the "other" man "lover" is an insult to romantics. His pronouns are He/Him/ Long D**g.

The "other" man is like a pro athlete. His best ability is availability. He comes when called. He comes with a gift. He c**s when told.

THE RULES:

Follow protocol to keep her happy and yourself protected: a) Always pay respect. b) Always pay attention. c) Always pay cash.

Vet her closest friends: It is instant blackmail being introduced by a fake name to your sister.

Never be seen with her in the presence of her child. Unless required by Parent/Teacher guidelines.

Never show her PDA. The only exception is as a pallbearer.

THE DISADVANTAGES:

A double standard exists. It is more advantageous to be the "other" woman. The man has to pay her attention and her bills.

You can never marry her because of "The Golden Rule": If she cheats with you, she will cheat on you.

CAUTIONARY POINTS FOR WOMEN:

Beware: The "other" man is often a charlatan. You break it off and he is unfazed because he never left his husband.

The signs were there: He was attentive. He left the seat down. Knew the best l**e for a**l.

Never be too curious about your friend's "other" man. He may be mysterious or dangerous or yours.

Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Knock, Knock We Want In"

The Monticello Association is made up of descendants of Thomas Jefferson. Descendants of Sally Hemings did petition The Monticello Association for membership. What follows is a comedic offering of reasons for and against inclusion.

Reasons Against Inclusion:

5) Striking resemblance to television's George Jefferson.
4) No family history of domestic work.
3) No female member ever impregnated by her boss.
2) Already live in housing project called Monticello.
and ....
1) Every generation has a daughter nicknamed "Weezy".

Reasons For Inclusion:

5) Aced "paper bag" test.
4) They all have "good" hair that's red.
3) DNA
4) Hemings' family bible contains rough draft of "Bill of Rights".
and ....
1) Screwing the help is a family tradition.

Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Scatter Shots #6"

Some of us will live two lifetimes. Our own and the one lived on our stolen identity.

In American politics, the Bush family is the Kennedys with a longer life span.

A B. S. degree in Political Science is.

Mark got a degree in Philosophy. Today, he is Austin's premier house painter.

Your cell phone for all its convenience is nothing but trouble. You can avoid trouble if you block spam, location, and group texts.

In the Army, a captain with average skills makes his father proud. In the Navy, a captain with average skills makes his father an Admiral.

U. S. Marines never quit. They are feared in battle and brothels.

"How with all our sophisticated fighter jets can we hit the wrong target?" Clearly, you've never been in a public restroom.

Random thoughts on family dynamics:
-- low-income families wash each other's back.
-- middle-income families watch each other's back.
-- high-income families aim for the back.

Today's parents expect their kids to keep the family home. Mainly, because the kids never left.

Eating the main course is ambiguous to how the date will end. It is less ambiguous when eating dessert off of each other.

Trump only knows two kinds of Black people. The "good ones" who voted for him and the "low IQ's" who voted for democracy.

The difference between Biden and Trump is with Biden, the brown stain on his pants is coffee.

Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Scatter Shots #5"

Not acting on an urge requires self-discipline. Acting on an urge requires permission from her.

Newlyweds share the same worry. She worries when he is late and he does the same.

As a kid my bubble bath was Tide detergent. Sure, my skin itched but I was clothesline fresh.

Dawn Platinum dish liquid removes stubborn stains and oily residue and leaves a citrus scent. It's the perfect shower gel.

Christian is equal to pregnant: Is you is or is you ain't?

Pregnant pays off in delivery. Christian pays off in death.

Let's stop using adjectives with "Christian". "Bad" Christian is an oxymoron and "good" Christian is redundant.

Donating leftover food is how bad cooks hide the truth.

Feeding the homeless is a requirement of God's plan and your probation.

Feeding the poor is helping the less fortunate. Feeding them vegan is just rubbing their face in it.

"P**n Is Niche Work"

Like, I only do hand job videos. Because I'm not a self-starter.

Frankly, the idea of screwing people constantly is a skill best learned in law school.

Male p**n stars are held to a rigid schedule. Female p**n stars are expected to be flexible.

Female p**n stars make more money. That's because they attract the holy trinity: heteros, le****ns, and Incels.

My male friends in the biz have to navigate up to eight different female personalities in a week. That's like being married.

Gay p**n stars got a congressional hearing. Half of the democrats viewed it as an equal rights fight. Half of the republicans viewed it as a free fanfest.

Some p**n stars only work with a mask on. The mask only comes off when meeting with their constituents.

Break ups between p**n star couples are different. Angela broke up with Todd because she caught him eating another woman's cooking.

My friend put three kids through grad school by working in the p**n industry. He's a biohazard tech.

Drug use in the p**n industry is highly regulated. There is no alcohol. No Xanax. No ma*****na. Only uppers.

Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Security Is Key"

Be secure in your domain:

1) My front porch has a sign "No Solicitors" covered in blood splatter.
2) My truck is safe from theft. Because to turn it on requires foreplay.
3) My cell phone only opens with EPR. Erect P***s Recognition. Accordingly, I don't use my cell in public. Anymore.

Be secure in your personal relationships knowing:

1) Your boyfriend's feelings have to be considered. A husband, you can just blame.
2) Any argument with your spouse will last longer when you're right.
3) Girlfriends are listened to. Wives are obeyed.

Be secure in knowing human behavior:

1) Even your best friend's support is conditional. Unwavering support only comes from an accomplice.
2) Consumer optimists' trust the manufacturer. Consumer cynics trust Reddit.
3) Never argue against the truth. Hire a lawyer.

Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"New Black Money is Loud and Often Brand Specific"

"Black money" is a term that refers to income earned illegally, or legally, but never reported. Examples would be illegal drug money, your kid's lawn-mowing gig, and church tithes.

For this discourse, "Black money" is generational wealth in American Black families. Progress is that we can use "generational wealth" and "Black" in the same sentence.

Black or White, wealthy parents sending their kids to their alma mater is called legacy. Legacy is code for extended daycare.

Black or White, trust fund kids are different. College for them is the trust fund's probationary period.

Black money is divided into two categories: 1) New Black money-"I just overpaid for a pool and I can't swim", and 2) Old Black money-"we build the pool and offer swimming lessons".

I have two theories on why New Black money is often brand specific. 1) Being brand specific is a mask. Celebrity buys into and promotes a premium liquor. Could be said celebrity just likes to drink. Or celebrity touts Visa for its "cash back" incentive for you. But you know his negotiation was like "Hey Visa, cash first".
2) New Black money is brand specific as a life-choice. Take Rihanna, she is brand specific 24/7. Her perfume-always Dior. Her fashion-always Armani. Her kids-always same daddy.

Often new Black money is an NFL first-round rookie contract. That's not generational wealth. Generational wealth is a Dak Prescott contract.

New Black money is loud. New Black money will still put mama in a new house but charge her rent. Because mama needs to work on her credit.

New Black money is loud. New black money is all in on crypto. Old Black money won't touch crypto even with your dick.

Delayed gratification is one key for new Black money to become generational wealth. Being 60 and in a state of contentment where you can pay it forward, is better than being 60 and having several states where you pay back child support.