Weldon Gaines

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"She Made It a Village: How Women Saved Early Man"

Early man's thinking was limited. He only saw animals as food. Women saw animals as food and a fur coat.

Women were the arbiters of tribal justice. If someone, even their mate, was not "pulling his weight" he'd be on limited rations or banished. That's why early man's one rule was: Happy mate. Full plate.

Early man and woman traveled hard and far to find edibles like fruit and meat. Today, we are spoiled. We only have to go to the grocery store and edibles are legal.

Early man was a responsible hunter. He ate what he killed. Men were dying in the dark hunting because they smelled like the animal they hunted. Women introduced bathing. This made hunting more difficult, but it reduced cannibalism.

Early man used women as bait to trap and kill animals. Not all men liked the idea of using women as bait. But if she was a fast woman and could run, too ......

Because women were the fastest runners, they were sent to tell other hunting parties where the animals were: "Go, spread the word". Over time that phrase was shortened to "gossip".

Since the hunter/gatherer time, men have begun to transition to openly buying items associated with women. Items like face masks, cosmetics or a "murse". Advertisers refer to them as "buy-curious".

"The Manosphere" has corrupted love. True love has nothing to do with money or strength. Physical attraction is a bonus, but it's the commonality in beliefs and goals that lead to or**sm.

The hunting instinct is still evident in men and women today. Men hunt for profits and female conquests. Women hunt for profitable men and shoe sales. They just both do it online.

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Aging With Grace"

One key to my aging with grace is listening to my body. Like a fart is a two-minute warning.

As you age your body will betray you. That's why I sit to p*e. Just to keep my options open.

Aging with grace is being mindful that the only thing bigger than my brain is my prostate.

An enlarged prostate is what triggers old men to give unsolicited advice. Like, "You got to empty the toilet bowl before you plunge it". When all you said was "pass the salt".
That's the brain dumping knowledge to make room for dementia.

We aging people are like The Borg. We are one mind. Only we call ourselves AARP.

Sadly, aging with grace comes with cynicism. Cynicism requires us to look deeper. You can only be president twice, but you can grift forever.
My "best friend" screwed me on a tech stock deal. Cynicism teaches that all bills come due. Because for 30 years, I had the privilege of screwing his wife, Grace.

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"A Nerd's Take on Sports"

Pro Wrestling is a Shakespearean play. The actors wear tights and they know how it ends.

Soccer is a marathon run while playing "keep-a-way".

Hockey is soccer on ice with clubs and fights.

Dodgeball is non-lethal practice for snipers.

Kickball is baseball for the uncoordinated.

Golf is pool played on grass with clubs and a beer cart.

American football is the most wizardry sport. All the players can see an invisible line.

NASCAR is the most political of all sports. A right turn is death at the pole.

The WNBA is just like the NBA. You have crossovers, jump shots and a girl in every city.

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Men and Women Honor Friendships Differently"

Women keep friendships close by doing "Girls Night Out" and phone calls. Men show up for their friends' funerals.

Men bond over sports. A loving hug between us means we hit the under on the parlay.

Men do want to say "I love you" to each other. It's just easier when the friend is dead.

While women will nurture their friendships with frequent contact, men can go years without any contact. We are the human equivalent of a cactus.

Women constantly strengthen emotional bonds with friends. These emotional bonds make friends easy to love and swindle.

My friend of 50 years showed me the utmost in trust. He introduced me to his mistress.

The ultimate betrayal by a friend for a woman is not sleeping with her husband. They will only bond over their shared disappointment.

The ultimate betrayal by a friend for a man is sleeping with his wife and then leaving town without her.

Still, 50 years of friendship should be honored. Maybe we can do something reckless and illegal. One more thing I can use for blackmail.

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Good Christian: A Primer"

First, "good Christian" is a man-made term. Per The Bible, only God is good. Man is flawed. That's why God grades on a curve.

I know God grades on a curve because most good Christians are 'C' students. They only follow seven of The Ten Commandments. Six, if they find someone attractive.

Man's definition of a good Christian is one who emulates Christ. So, identity theft.

At one point, the world was so bad God sent a flood. He won't do that again. Because there never has been a good sequel.

Christianity is better understood once you accept that organized religion and Mob racketeering are similar. The ultimate goal is to generate revenue and your salvation comes in death.

The choice is simple: You can sleep in the arms of Christ, or "You can sleep with the fishes".

To be a good Christian is a hard-learned lesson. You promise to practice honesty, compassion, and humility. In hopes of getting a lighter sentence.

It is said a good Christian is forever a "work in progress" because we fail. We keep going back to the church because that's where the AA meetings are.

It is said a good Christian puts the needs of others before himself. A tenet to follow in life and foreplay.

Your basic Protestant says a good Christian focuses on social justice and inclusivity. That's why there is a gathering for prayer before every Pride Parade so you can compare them to their photo on Grindr.

Evangelical Protestants say a good Christian is one "born again" in Christ, not in a forged passport.

It has been offered that for a woman to be a good Christian she must possess inner beauty. Even good Christians want to look their best. That's why "inner beauty" is Sephora's bitch.

It has been offered that a good Christian man's only duty is to be faithful to God and his wife. Fail God and your life ends in Hell. Fail her and hell is your life.

St Francis of Assisi was a good Christian by prioritizing Christlike simplicity over material wealth. He was what the prosperity gospel calls a heretic.

The goal of the good Christian should be to treat everybody the way you would want to be treated. But first, we need to agree on a safe word.

I'm a good Christian with no illusions. I'm going to Hell. When I get there, I will find DJT and kick him in the nuts. It's Hell, that's how you say hello.

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Wealth: It's All Relative"

Basic Wealth:

Baby Boomers view wealth as retiring comfortably and leaving a little something for the kids-funeral expenses.

Gen Xers view wealth as a well-funded retirement by encouraging their kids to take student loans.

Millennials view wealth as having retired their student loans.
Their kids are SOL.

Gen Zers view wealth as having a job and two side hustles. Add in kids and they're honorary Jamaicans.

Crazy Wealth:

Wealth can earn one adoration, celebrity, and an acquittal.

We Americans will reluctantly accept a wealthy person's "not guilty" verdict. History says the exceptions are pe******ia, pension fraud, and OJ.

Immense wealth coupled with a superiority complex should lead one to seed the minds of others and not just their wombs.

Wealth and stupidity are not related. But stupidity, like wealth, is passed down.

We Americans worship wealth, health, and God. The sentiment is right. What's wrong is the order.

We Americans falsely equate wealth with intelligence. The truth is wealth is equal to intelligence the way bliss is equal to diarrhea.

I am not against those who have achieved wealth. I congratulate them. Because I'm a thief.

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"The Superiority Complex Issue"

{...a defensive mechanism to hide one's own inferiority.}

Superiority Complex: Acting bigger and better than one has a legitimate right to. See chihuahuas ...and Trump.

No truth in that Trump's master bath only has a wide waist-high mirror. Because if it did, it would caution: Objects in mirror are even smaller.

Trump may not be an alleged superiority complex sufferer. Because if he were, he would teach a master class in corporate bankruptcy.

Alleged superiority complex sufferers always compare themselves to others like "Sleepy Joe Biden". No doubt dreamt up by Trump while at a cabinet meeting napping.

It is unfair for Trump to compare his presidency to Obama's. Obama was burdened with a conscience.

Mental health professionals say the best way to deal with an alleged superiority complex sufferer is to stay emotionally detached, set firm boundaries, and vote Democrat.

Trump would do well to learn from Democrats. Democrats know that "We" is reasonable doubt. "I" is a confession.

Examples like "low IQ", "corrupt", and "loser" show how Trump belittles the White Houlse mirrors.

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"Family We Have. Friends We Choose"

"A friend in need is a friend indeed". Especially, when they co-sign.

Aristotle said, "A friend to all is a friend to none". Hence, the birth of gossip.

The "7 Friends Theory" poses that you need seven distinct types of friends to meet different needs. I believe you need ten:

The Childhood Bestie: You've known each other since childhood. That's why you recognized her feet on Onlyfans.

The Anchor Friend: The one you call at 2:00 a.m. because he's also a 24-hour Bail Bondsman.

The Spark Friend: The one who ignites your business inspiration for one-third of the insurance pay out.

The Bridge Friend: The mentor or mentee that brings optimism because he is a reliable alibi.

The Comedian Friend: The one who always gets you to laugh at yourself within two drinks minimum.

The Low-Maintenance Friend: You can go months without talking because he can't stay out of solitary.

The Lawyer/Confidante Friend: She is dispassionate, discerning, and not yet disbarred.

The Sibling Figure Friend: The friend so close he feels like family-so you go to "23 and Me" to make sure it's safe to date.

The Love/Relationship Friend: The one who knows all the intimate details of your love life because she likes to watch.

The Unbreakable Constant Friend: The one who knows that silence between the two of you means acquittal.

Epilogue: We are cast in family. We are painted by friends.

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Weldon Gaines Writes Jokes Presents:

"The 'Other' Man's Handbook"

To call the "other" man "lover" is an insult to romantics. His pronouns are He/Him/ Long D**g.

The "other" man is like a pro athlete. His best ability is availability. He comes when called. He comes with a gift. He c**s when told.

THE RULES:

Follow protocol to keep her happy and yourself protected: a) Always pay respect. b) Always pay attention. c) Always pay cash.

Vet her closest friends: It is instant blackmail being introduced by a fake name to your sister.

Never be seen with her in the presence of her child. Unless required by Parent/Teacher guidelines.

Never show her PDA. The only exception is as a pallbearer.

THE DISADVANTAGES:

A double standard exists. It is more advantageous to be the "other" woman. The man has to pay her attention and her bills.

You can never marry her because of "The Golden Rule": If she cheats with you, she will cheat on you.

CAUTIONARY POINTS FOR WOMEN:

Beware: The "other" man is often a charlatan. You break it off and he is unfazed because he never left his husband.

The signs were there: He was attentive. He left the seat down. Knew the best l**e for a**l.

Never be too curious about your friend's "other" man. He may be mysterious or dangerous or yours.