Chasing Maybe

It’s World IVF Day. 💛

One year ago, we were standing at the beginning of the hardest and most hopeful journey of our lives.

We were waiting for boxes of medications to arrive, learning how to give injections, trying to stay optimistic while quietly protecting our hearts. Every appointment, every shot, every phone call came with so much hope… and so much fear. We prayed with everything we had that somehow, this journey would lead us to the baby we had dreamed about for so long.

Today, one year later, I’m holding our beautiful 11-week-old miracle, Jaxson. 🥹

There aren’t enough words to express the gratitude we feel. Thank you to CNY Fertility, Southdale OBGYN in Burnsville, and to every family member, friend, and person who prayed, checked in, encouraged us, and carried hope for us when ours felt heavy. We truly believe those prayers, that love, and unwavering support helped bring us to our miracle.

To anyone who is just beginning IVF or is somewhere in the middle of the waiting, the injections, the appointments, the heartbreak, and the uncertainty… we see you.

IVF is so much more than a medical process. It’s emotional. It’s exhausting. It’s lonely. It’s heartbreaking. It asks you to keep believing on days when hope feels impossible to find.

No matter where your journey leads, know that you are stronger than you realize, and you are never alone.

Today, we’re celebrating our miracle while holding space for everyone still waiting for theirs. We are praying for you, believing with you, and hoping your day comes too. 💙

Keep hoping.
Keep praying.
Keep chasing maybe. ✨

Ten weeks.

How in the world is our baby boy already ten weeks old?

Everyone tells you time flies, but you don’t truly understand it until you’re watching the tiny baby you brought home start to smile, grow, and discover the world around him. Every day he changes just a little more, and somehow the days feel long while the weeks disappear.

These last ten weeks have been everything all at once—beautiful, overwhelming, exhausting, emotional, joyful, challenging, and more rewarding than I ever could have imagined.

The hardest part has surprised me.

I think I’ve spent so much time trying to figure everything out, worrying if I’m doing enough, learning how to be a mom, and adjusting to our new normal that sometimes I wonder if I’ve missed pieces of it. I catch myself wishing I had worried less and simply soaked him in more.

I told Timmy the other day that some days are just hard. Some days I don’t recognize the woman looking back at me in the mirror. My body feels unfamiliar. My anxiety is louder than I’d like it to be. The house isn’t as clean as I want it to be. I don’t always get dressed. I don’t always put on makeup. Some days it feels like we’re simply surviving instead of thriving.

And then I look at Jaxson.

I watch his face light up when he hears my voice. I sing to him, and he melts into me. He smiles, snuggles close, and reminds me that to him, I am home. Timmy and I are his safe place. His whole world.

Suddenly, everything else becomes so much smaller.

He doesn’t care if the laundry is folded or if dinner is homemade. He doesn’t care what I look like or whether I accomplished everything on my to-do list. He simply knows he’s loved.

And the truth is… that’s enough.

Our sweet boy is happy. He’s healthy. He’s growing. He’s learning something new every single day. He is surrounded by love, and that’s what he’ll remember—not whether the house was spotless or whether I had everything figured out.

Motherhood has a way of making us question ourselves, but it’s also teaching me something I hope I never forget: we don’t have to be perfect to be exactly what our babies need.

So here’s to ten weeks of learning, growing, crying, laughing, worrying, healing, and loving more deeply than I ever knew was possible.

The weeks are already flying by, and I can only imagine how quickly the years will too.

So I’m going to keep reminding myself to put down the expectations, hold him a little longer, kiss his cheeks one more time, breathe in every snuggle, and be present for the ordinary moments that one day I’ll miss the most.

Because these are the days I’ll never get back.

It’s been a while since I’ve shared an update.

Life has settled into a new kind of normal around here with Jaxson, and somehow he’s already two months old. I honestly don’t know where the time has gone.

It’s also hard to believe it’s already July. My maternity leave is more than halfway over, and we’re coming up on one year since we started IVF medications and began traveling back and forth to Syracuse for our egg retrieval and embryo transfer.

One year.

It amazes me how completely life can change in just 12 months.

These last two months have been the happiest, most fulfilling, and most challenging months of my life.

Not because of Jaxson—but because of what motherhood has done to my heart.

I never realized how much you could love someone until you become responsible for every breath they take. That kind of love is incredible… but it’s also terrifying.

Lately, it feels like my mind is constantly searching for the next thing to worry about.

Jaxson just had his two-month vaccines, and now he’s been battling his very first cold. Hearing him struggle to breathe through his tiny congested nose, or cough on the mucus in the back of his throat when he’s laying down, is enough to send my anxiety through the roof. When it wakes him up, I end up holding him upright on my chest so he can sleep comfortably… and then I lie awake wondering if he’ll be okay when I eventually put him back down.

Then there’s SIDS, which I know peaks around 2–3 months. I find myself constantly wondering… Is he too warm? Too cold? Is his sleep sack right? Is the room the right temperature?

I worry about people kissing him and getting him sick.

I wonder if he’s holding his head up enough for his age. If his diapers look normal. If I’m giving too many gas drops or saline drops. If I’m talking to him enough. Playing with him enough. Doing enough.

The worries never really stop. As soon as one fades, another takes its place.

I recently bought a book called Rattled, about calming the anxious new mom mind, and I’m really hoping it helps.

Because the truth is, no one prepared me for this part of motherhood.

After years of infertility and IVF, having our dream finally come true has been the greatest blessing of my life. But I never expected that the biggest joy I’d ever experience would also come with so much fear.

It’s such a strange mix of overwhelming love, gratitude, anxiety, exhaustion, and happiness—all existing at the same time.

Maybe some of it is sleep deprivation. Maybe some of it is postpartum anxiety. Maybe it’s just because I love this little boy more than I ever knew was possible.

Whatever it is, I’d love to hear from other parents.

How did you work through postpartum anxiety? What helped quiet your mind? How did you get through each new stage without constantly worrying about what could go wrong?

I know I’m not the only one who has felt this way, but some days it can feel incredibly lonely.

At the end of the day, though, I know how unbelievably blessed I am. I have the sweetest little boy, an incredible husband, and a village that has loved and supported us every step of the way.

And even on the hardest days, I wouldn’t trade this life for anything. 💙

Tell me I’m not alone.

Little man has been giving us some pretty good stretches of sleep lately, sometimes falling asleep around 7:30 or 8:00 PM and sleeping until midnight or even 1:00 AM. Last night, Timmy got him down for bed, but he woke up shortly after and decided he wanted to eat. No problem. We got him settled, fed, and back to sleep.

Around 9:15 PM, he was sound asleep again, so I laid him down and crawled into bed myself. I was exhausted.

Then, at 10:30 PM, he woke up.

I waited a minute to see if it was just one of his grunting episodes, but then he started to cry. I got up to pick him up, and I could feel that familiar frustration creeping in. Not because he was doing anything wrong, but because I was tired. I had only been asleep for about an hour.

I brought him into his room to start our routine. I changed his diaper, which was practically dry, and he immediately fell asleep on the changing table. I swaddled him, held him for a minute, and laid him back down.

That was it.

He didn’t eat. He didn’t cry again. He didn’t wake up until 3:00 AM.

As I laid back down after pumping around 11:00, the guilt hit me.

I felt terrible for being frustrated.

This sweet little boy, the one I prayed for, dreamed about, and fought so hard to bring into this world, needed me. He didn’t know I was tired. He didn’t know I had just fallen asleep. He didn’t know what time it was.

He just needed comfort.

And honestly, I think I needed that reminder.

Before I fell asleep, I said my usual prayer, asking God to watch over and protect Jaxson here on earth so I could rest. Then I apologized for my frustration and thanked Him for the privilege of being the person Jaxson reaches for when he needs comfort.

The nights are hard.

The sleep deprivation is hard.

Being a baby who can’t communicate what they need is hard.

But maybe that’s the thing—they don’t always know exactly what they need. Sometimes they just know they need us.

And last night, my little boy reminded me of that. 🤍

One Month with Baby J 🤍

Little man had his one month checkup today, and he is growing like a w**d!

✨ 9 lbs 6 oz (28th percentile)
✨ 22.2 inches long (74th percentile)
✨ 15.1 inch head circumference (77th percentile)

He’s gained more than two pounds since birth and grown about two inches longer. My tiny baby isn’t so tiny anymore, and my mama heart is having a hard time keeping up with how quickly it’s all happening.

We’ve officially made the jump from newborn diapers to size 1s, and his newborn sleepers are getting shorter by the day. I swear he goes to sleep bigger than he was when he woke up.

We’ve been dealing with a little more spit up lately, especially after formula feeds, along with some gas and tummy discomfort. Thankfully, his pediatrician isn’t concerned and said everything sounds pretty normal for this stage. We left with a few tips and tricks to help keep our growing boy a little more comfortable.

He’s eating like a champ, usually every 2–3 hours during the day. At night, we’ve been lucky enough to get a few longer stretches between feeds, with the longest being six hours. Of course, I didn’t sleep for six hours. Instead, I spent a good portion of that time checking to make sure he was still breathing and convincing myself that I didn’t need to check again five minutes later. (Someone please tell me that part gets easier.)

Overall, Baby J got a glowing report and is doing exactly what he should be doing. Next stop: his two month appointment and those first vaccines. Somehow that already feels way too soon.

Right now, his favorite things are stroller walks, cuddling with his daddy, and hanging out in his Maxi-Cosi seat while mama gets ready for the day.

One month down, a lifetime of adventures to go. 🤍

Sunday Scaries, Postpartum Edition

It’s a case of the Sunday Scaries.

Who knew you could still get them when you don’t even have to go to work the next day?

There’s just something about Sunday nights that feels heavier. If I’m being honest, most nights have carried a little extra weight lately.

My sister sent me an Instagram reel that said:

“I can’t explain it, but when you’re postpartum, 4 PM = scary and 4 AM = safe.”

I laughed when I read it because it felt so ridiculous… and so incredibly true.

Ever since Jaxson was born, evenings have felt like the start of a mental checklist that never really ends.

Is the room too warm?

Is he dressed appropriately?

Do we have the fan on?

Is his swaddle snug but not too snug?

Are there absolutely, positively no blankets in the bassinet?

Has he been fed, changed, burped, loved on, and cuddled enough?

Some of those are just basic life necessities. Others are the things you obsess over when you’re responsible for the tiny human who somehow became your entire world.

They’re the things you do in hopes that your mind will quiet down long enough to get a little sleep between wakeups.

Every night, I check his bassinet several times before I let myself fall asleep.

I check for a sweaty neck.

I make sure his swaddle hasn’t shifted.

I lean over him just to hear him breathing.

Then I usually do it again five minutes later because apparently postpartum anxiety doesn’t believe in the honor system.

One night, it took Timmy almost an hour to get Jaxson to sleep. He finally laid him down, exhausted and victorious, only for me to immediately walk over and begin my inspection process.

Timmy assured me he was fine.

“He’s sleeping. He’s breathing.”

I knew he was probably right.

But I still had to see for myself.

Because that’s motherhood right now. Trusting, but also verifying.

Repeatedly.

Sunday nights hit a little differently, though.

I don’t really know why.

My time at home with Jaxson has been the greatest gift. I love being with him. Truthfully, the thought of anyone other than Timmy or me spending his days with him makes my heart ache a little.

But Sundays are a reminder that another week has passed.

Another week of newborn stretches.

Another week of contact naps.

Another week of tiny outfits that somehow already fit differently.

Another week closer to daycare.

Another week closer to returning to work.

Another week I’ll never get back.

Sunday also means Timmy goes back to work, and my tag team partner heads out the door before the sun comes up.

It means long stretches of the day where my conversations consist mostly of:

“Hi buddy.”

“Did you poop?”

“Was that a smile or gas?”

And honestly, sometimes the answer is still unclear.

While loading up a baby, a diaper bag, bottles, burp cloths, extra outfits, and whatever dignity you have left to go somewhere is getting easier, it’s still an adjustment.

Postpartum is such a strange place to live.

I’ve never felt so deeply in love and so deeply worried at the same time.

So blessed and so overwhelmed.

So grateful and so lonely.

So exhausted and somehow still unwilling to close my eyes.

It’s amazing how many emotions can exist in the same heart all at once.

One month has already come and gone with our sweet baby boy.

One month.

That means I only have about three months left at home with him.

And while I know how fortunate I am to have that time, I can’t believe how quickly it’s disappearing.

Someone wrote, “Nobody warns you that after having a baby, the life and career you’ve worked so hard for might no longer feel like the life you want.”

I felt that.

Not because I don’t love my career. I do.

I love my job. I love the people I work with. And no, I’m not going anywhere.

It’s just amazing how much less important all of that feels when compared to the little boy sleeping beside my bed.

The meetings will still happen.

The emails will still be there.

The deadlines will still come and go.

But these tiny newborn days?

They’re already slipping through my fingers.

So if you’re feeling the Sunday Scaries tonight, whether you’re postpartum, heading into a busy work week, navigating a hard season, or simply feeling the weight of another Monday approaching, know that you’re not alone.

Here’s to a new week.

A fresh start.

A little grace for ourselves.

And finding something worth looking forward to in the days ahead. ❤️

4 Weeks with You 🤍

Four weeks have come and gone.

Four weeks of learning you, loving you, and getting to be your mom.

Four weeks of tiny stretches, sleepy snuggles, late night feedings, and falling more in love with you every single day.

It’s hard to believe that just four weeks ago you entered this world and made us a family of three. The days somehow feel both incredibly long and impossibly fast. One thing I know for certain: I loved you before I met you, but I never knew my heart could love someone this much.

You had a big week, Baby J!

✨ Your first road trip to Grand Forks, Manvel, and Fargo, North Dakota. We only had to stop once on the way there and once on the way home. You were an absolute road trip champion.

😴 Your first six hour stretch of sleep. Mama, on the other hand, spent most of those six hours checking to make sure you were still breathing while you slept peacefully.

💨 Your first old man farts. Goodness gracious. They’re impressive, they’re loud, and they’re surprisingly smelly. I have a feeling you inherited that talent from your dad.

🚙 Your first new car purchase. You were incredibly well behaved at the dealership, but we may need to work on your negotiation skills. Luckily, Uncle Matt can help with that.

🤍 You met so many aunts, uncles, cousins, and family friends. So many of the people who prayed for you, hoped for you, and celebrated you long before you arrived. You are loved beyond measure.

🏥 Your first trip to urgent care… for Mom, not for you. You and Dad came along to make sure I got there safely and got the care I needed. Even at four weeks old, you’re already taking care of me.

🎯 Your first Target trip with Mom. Don’t worry, little buddy. This is only the beginning of many Target adventures together.

Life with you is everything I hoped it would be and so much more. Watching you grow, learn, discover, and experience the world has quickly become one of my favorite things. Every day brings a new first, a new memory, and another reason to be grateful that you’re ours.

We love you more than you’ll ever know, Jaxson Carl.

Here’s to more adventures, more milestones, more sleepy cuddles, and more memories together.

Happy 4 Weeks, Baby J. 🤍

Let’s talk about hydration and pumping.

Holy buckets. I didn’t realize how much I was asking of my body until today.

Yesterday, I started feeling really nauseous around lunchtime. It lingered all day and into this morning. At first, I brushed it off and figured maybe something I ate didn’t agree with me.

Then I realized the problem: I hadn’t actually eaten anything until 12:30 PM.

Life at home with a newborn is funny like that. The days somehow fly by and crawl at the exact same time. You’re constantly feeding, changing diapers, washing bottles, pumping, and trying to remember what day it is. Somewhere in the middle of taking care of Jaxson, I forgot to take care of myself.

And when I say forgot, I mean I wasn’t eating much and wasn’t even finishing one 40-ounce Owala of water a day.

Last night, Timmy put Jaxson to bed so I could lie down. I felt awful. Exhausted. Emotional. The kind of tired that makes tears show up without warning.

Jaxson slept until about 12:30 AM, and I got up for my shift since Timmy had to work in the morning. While I was changing Jaxson’s diaper, a wave of heat hit me out of nowhere. I started sweating and felt like I might pass out.

I called for Timmy.

“Can you finish changing him? I need a cold washcloth.”

I cooled down, fed Jaxson, pumped, and went back to bed.

Then at 4:45 this morning, it happened again.

Timmy had already left for work. I brought Jaxson to his changing table to start our usual routine: change, feed, pump, sleep, repeat. As I stood there, his cries suddenly sounded far away. My vision felt off. The sweating started again, and I knew I was about to go down.

I called Timmy.

Without hesitation, he turned around and came home.

I got Jaxson fed, and when Timmy walked through the door, I felt relief wash over me. But after everything settled down, a scary thought crept in.

What if I hadn’t been able to make that call?

That thought shook me.

Later, when I told Timmy everything I had eaten and drank the day before, I realized how little it actually was. I wasn’t intentionally skipping meals. I wasn’t trying to neglect myself. I just got so wrapped up in caring for Jaxson that I forgot I mattered too.

And honestly? I felt guilty for calling Timmy home. I worried about what his coworkers might think. I worried they would assume this is what every day looks like or that I couldn’t handle being home with our son.

But today reminded me of something important:

Taking care of myself is taking care of Jaxson.

Pumping takes a lot out of your body. Motherhood takes a lot out of your body. Sleep deprivation takes a lot out of your body.

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

I’ve said that phrase a hundred times in my life. Today, I finally had to listen to my own advice.

So this is my reminder—to myself and maybe to another mom who needs to hear it:

Eat the sandwich.

Drink the water.

Take the nap when you can.

Ask for help when you need it.

Because your baby needs you healthy just as much as they need you present.

And if you’re keeping score, today’s wins included multiple glasses of water, actual meals, and the realization that moms deserve care too. Even when we’re busy caring for everyone else. ❤️

Our First Road Trip: Survived, Thrived, and Apparently Need a Bigger Car 🚗🤍

This weekend, we packed up our tiny travel companion and headed to Grand Forks and Fargo to celebrate the baptisms of two of his newest cousins and the second birthday of another.

Our first family road trip.

And honestly, it felt a little monumental.

Friday night, we stayed at Grandma and Grandpa’s house, and Baby Jaxson did amazing. Thank goodness Grandpa still has that old, cozy recliner because apparently that’s where Baby J and Mama were meant to sleep. The Pack ‘n Play in Uncle Cooper’s room wasn’t exactly his preferred accommodations. He’s already developing opinions, and he’s not even a month old.

One of the most special moments of the weekend was introducing Jaxson to my Grandma Beth.

There are people in your life who help shape who you become, and my grandma is one of those people for me. Watching her hold my son felt like watching two of my favorite chapters of life meet for the very first time. My heart wasn’t prepared for that moment.

Saturday was a whirlwind in the very best way.

Grand Forks to Manvel. Manvel to Fargo. Aunts, uncles, cousins, snuggles, stories, and more baby passes than I could possibly count. There is something so beautiful about watching the people you love fall in love with your child.

Then today, Jaxson got to meet my best friend, Lys, and her three boys.

Another moment that made my mama heart grow about three sizes.

There is something surreal about watching your child meet the people who have been part of your story for so many years. The friends who knew you long before you became a mom. The family who prayed for this little miracle right alongside you. It makes time feel both impossibly fast and incredibly full.

And can we talk about the car ride?

This little guy crushed it.

One stop on the way there. One stop on the way home. A quick bottle, a diaper change, some snuggles, and back on the road we went.

The only real problem?

Somewhere between the diaper bag, bottles, stroller, extra outfits, blankets, and enough baby supplies to survive a small apocalypse, I realized we need a bigger vehicle.

Naturally, I spent part of the drive car shopping from the backseat while Dad drove.

Speaking of…

I’m still riding in the backseat with him.

Parents, when does that end? Asking for a friend.

And because apparently we hadn’t packed enough milestones into one weekend, we came home and had our first bath in the baby bathtub.

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but Baby Jaxson absolutely loved it. He didn’t cry once. He just relaxed and soaked it all in like a little champ. Now he’s clean, cozy, smells amazing, and somehow looks even more adorable than he did before.

Just another first added to a weekend full of memories we’ll never forget.

This weekend was exhausting, chaotic, sweet, loud, beautiful, and everything I hoped our first family trip would be.

So many hugs.
So many memories.
So many people who already love this little boy.

So many firsts.

Our first road trip.
His first night away from home.
His first time meeting so many family members and friends.
His first bath in his very own tub.

For so many years, I dreamed about weekends like this. Packing up a baby, introducing him to the people I love most, and making memories that will someday become stories.

This weekend was full of ordinary moments that felt extraordinary.

And my heart is so incredibly full. 🤍

Memorial Day Weekend 🤍🇺🇸

Our very first holiday weekend as a family of three and somehow the simplest moments are feeling like the biggest milestones.

Timmy being home for four straight days has honestly felt luxurious. There’s something incredibly romantic about a man willingly taking the overnight shift at 3:00am while you stumble half asleep toward the pump parts like a tiny dairy farmer running on zero brain cells. True love. 😂

Yesterday, we loaded up Baby J and headed to the outlet mall for his first little shopping trip. We walked, we browsed, we got fresh air, and apparently we absolutely exhausted the tiny CEO of our household because this boy came home and took the longest nap of his life. Honestly? Same.

Today felt oddly emotional in the best way.

I’m wearing actual underwear again.
A sentence that would horrify my pre motherhood self but postpartum moms everywhere are currently nodding in solidarity. The adult diapers have officially retired. My feet finally un-swelled. I straightened my hair. We are healing. We are thriving. We are doing the little things that suddenly feel huge. 😂

And Baby J had a big day too. His circumcision is almost fully healed and his umbilical cord finally fell off. For some reason, I cried. Not graceful movie tears either. Full “why am I emotional over a dried up belly button stump?” tears.

Maybe because every little change feels like proof that time is moving way too fast already.

We were supposed to do newborn photos Friday, but our photographer got sick, which means his photos probably won’t include that fresh newborn umbilical cord stage and somehow that made my mama heart ache a little. Funny how the things you never thought you’d care about suddenly become precious.

We also took him to Mall of America today for another little adventure. No major shopping. Just walking, wandering, and soaking in this season of life. He slept in his bassinet stroller the entire time like the tiny king he is.

And honestly? We are just happy.
Tired, emotional, slightly delusional from sleep deprivation… but so unbelievably happy.

There are still so many firsts ahead of us and I already know I’m going to cry through every single one of them. 🤍