Creating Presence

Part of what can make childhood so difficult is the simple disconnect between the perspective of an adult and that of a child.

The sensitive and accepting nature of children combined with their less developed capacity to verbally communicate emotions leaves them incredibly vulnerable to experiencing trauma in situations that an adult wouldn’t assume to be distressing.

And assuming that children are “fine” or “won’t remember” can create feelings of stress and isolation, as they have nowhere to go with their feelings and don’t understand why others don’t feel them, too.

Remembering to check in with our little ones, and even observing a situation to acknowledge what they may be thinking or feeling (“Wow, that was a loud noise! My heart is beating fast! Want to hold my hand?”) can offer them a sturdy presence to regulate before an event becomes overwhelmingly stressful or traumatic.

Alienation is a common and significant impact of trauma. But it’s not always because of the trauma itself.

Often, people impacted by trauma become alienated simply because they’ve experienced trauma, and many of us just don’t know what to do with this.

There’s something inside of us that squirms at the thought of engaging with trauma. It challenges our comfortable view of the world and reminds us that bad things do happen to good people - for seemingly no reason at all.

We want so badly to believe that the world is just because it’s how we’ve been taught to make sense of things, so we offer the famous “Everything happens for a reason.” But this really isn’t helpful – and it’s mostly for our own reassurance anyways.

People impacted by trauma are at a crossroads – either the world is not just, OR because it is just, then I must be bad.

Trauma often shatters our assumptions about the world and even ourselves, and many people impacted by trauma are tragically left alone to make meaning out of it.

Healing from trauma involves a lot of loss, and many people think this loss mostly regards the past, which it certainly does.

However, because all change involves loss, even the healing process itself can be a cause for grief.

What version of yourself do you have to let go of?

What coping mechanisms need to be adjusted that, even though they may not be healthy, are familiar and reliable?

How will your relationships change? Are there any people you may need to let go of, or lessen contact with?

Understanding the potentially expansive impact of trauma on one’s life can even cause a sense of loss as we think about how our lives could be so different.

Despite the difficulty, choosing to face loss is absolutely crucial to healing from trauma, but it’s also a little easier if we have a sense of future.

What do we want our lives to look like? How do we want to feel? Who do we want to be? Who do we want to surround ourselves with?

When we can vision for a positive future, we have a reason to face the loss and keep moving forward.

Jane married someone who mistreats her. She spends years trying to figure out how to leave, until one day, she is successful. Her friends are thrilled that she is safe and can start a new life.

But it isn’t long before Jane finds a new romantic partner who sweeps her off her feet. Happy as can be, Jane remarries, only to realize shortly after that her new partner is a bit too similar to her toxic ex-spouse.

Why didn’t she see the signs? After everything she went through, how is she back here again?

We may feel tempted to blame Jane for this. After all, why didn’t her partner’s uncontrollable anger phase her? How did she miss the warning signs - again? Surely, were we in Jane’s shoes, we would’ve made different choices.

The truth is, Jane’s brain wasn’t looking for what was healthy, but what was familiar, and that unfortunately meant another toxic relationship. Now, Jane is experiencing revictimization.

Revictimization is often fueled by traumatic reenactment - the unconscious urge to recreate the conditions of a past trauma. Our brains try to rewrite the ending of a traumatic event, to finally master the situation, only to end in repeated cycles of distress and even retraumatization.

Blaming a person experiencing revictimization leads absolutely no where, and only contributes to the culture of victim blaming that has made our society so dangerous for so many of us.

Understanding the science behind revictimization is crucial if we are to actually help people impacted by trauma and move away from the habit of victim blaming.

Our society has long been treating social services with a business model – our institutions are machines, employees are cogs in that machine, and people seeking help through those services are no different than widgets or products being turned out.

Of course WE don’t see it this way, and those working in social services understand the nuance and complexity that comes with serving people, not producing products.

But this work is often so difficult because social services are crammed intro frameworks that don’t apply to them, and employees are forced to reconcile that difference while also managing the very real stress of serving people in need.

People aren’t machines – and it’s time to design systems that work with us, not against us.

The Still Face Experiment has become a famous example of the significance of human attachment, emotional regulation, and social interaction.

(Among many other things) It teaches us the influence of attachment and connection on our own regulation, while reminding us that behavior is our first language.

At Creating Presence, we use the Still Face Experiment as an opportunity to demonstrate how relationships and engagement translate into our work with those we serve, who are often impacted by trauma. This includes the recognition that behavior - whether from a colleague or a client - is a message from deeper down looking to be understood.

If you’ve never seen the Still Face Experiment, you can find countless examples on YouTube.