Alyssa Zander

If you want to learn how to build a safe and secure relationship just type "CLASS" in the comments and I'll send you my free masterclass that will teach you the one shift that changed everything for my relationship.

From one anxiously attached girlie to another 🫂✨

Daily reminder 🤟🏾

We could have flown to Europe in less time 🙃

I used to think, “If my partner cared, he would just show me.”

So I’d sit there waiting for him to just know. And then I’d feel hurt when he didn’t. And then I’d get resentful.

What I didn’t realize was that I was outsourcing my sense of connection and worth. Putting that on him and our relationship only caused us to feel further away from each other.

What actually helped wasn’t pointing out what he was doing wrong… it was getting clear on what I actually needed. If you don’t feel connected or appreciated in your relationship, try this today:

1. Ask yourself how you desire to *feel* in your relationship (seen, chosen, relaxed, close).

2. Write down *three things/actions* that help you feel that way. If you notice that you don’t actually know what these are, then how do you expect your partner to know?

3. Do all three *for yourself* first. Why? Well, because you can’t fully receive from others if you haven’t even given it to yourself first. You’ll question it, judge it, critique it. Trust me…

Then, and this is the *important* part— tell your partner, “This is how I desire to feel, and these are three things that support that. Do you have the capacity to do one of these with me this week?”

This works *so much better* than what most of us do… like hinting, withdrawing, keeping score, or telling them everything they’re doing “wrong” and hoping they don’t get defensive. When you lead with clarity and vulnerability instead of criticism, you create connection instead of conflict.

Follow and save this for the next time you catch yourself thinking, “Why don’t they just get it?”

✨If you’re curious if other codependency patterns like this are negatively impacting your relationship just type “QUIZ” in the comments and I’ll send you my free codependency quiz.✨

We broke up 6 years ago and I had no idea if we were ever going to find our way back to each other. What I did know was that I was 31 and all my relationships kept ending the same way. If I wanted a different outcome, I needed to take responsibility for my part, and that meant I had to face the parts of myself I’d spent years avoiding. Here are 5 hard truths I had to look at: 1. I wasn’t just heartbroken, I was addicted to the emotional highs and lows. 2. That push-pull pattern felt like chemistry, but it was actually just that my nervous system had normalized chaos and then would mistaken it for love. 3. I thought I was being caring and kind but really I was abandoning myself to make others comfortable and then feeling resentful when they wouldn’t do the same for me. 4. My boundaries were blurry and all over the place because I thought love meant sacrificing myself. 5. I thought if I just said it the right way, I could convince them to stay but over-explaining isn’t connection. It’s a trauma response. I needed constant reassurance because I didn’t know how to give it to myself. The anxiety wasn’t about them. It was about parts of me that still felt unloved and unsafe. I believed that if they came back, everything would be okay but the real healing began when I stopped waiting for them and started coming home to myself. ✨If you want to learn how to build a safe and secure relationship and the one shift that changed everything for our relationship just type “CLASS” in the comments and I’ll send you my free masterclass.✨ This work changed my life, so I’m sharing it with you in case it helps you too 🙏🏾

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We broke up 6 years ago and I was so sure he was the problem. The constant bad mood. The space he seemed to always need. The way things always felt heavy and distant between us. I didn't even want him back. I was done. Ready to move on and find someone who "didn't make everything so hard." But in the time we were apart, I started looking at myself (I mean *really* looking) and that’s when I started to realize my role in our dysfunctional relationship dynamics. Here are 3 things I stopped doing that changed everything: 1. I stopped making his mood mean something about me. When he was quiet or off, I'd spiral. I'd try everything to try and fix to make the discomfort go away. But it was never about him. It was about me not feeling safe unless everyone around me was okay. 2. I stopped keeping score. Every nice thing I did, I was secretly tracking… waiting for him to match it. And when he didn't, I'd build resentment *instead* of just asking for what I needed. 3. I stopped blaming him for how I felt. I wanted him to be the reason I was unhappy because that was easier than admitting I didn't know how to regulate myself. I gave him a job that was never his to do. When he came back, I was genuinely surprised. But more than that… I was different. And that meant our relationship could be, too. We're engaged now. And what we have only exists because I finally saw my part in it. If you want to learn how to build a safe and secure relationship just type "CLASS" in the comments and I'll send you my free masterclass where I share the one shift that changed everything for me and my relationship 🫂✨

To all my anxious or fearful avoidant attachment style babes, I see you. You’re not alone.

If you want to learn how to build a safe and secure relationship just type "CLASS" in the comments and I'll send you my free masterclass that will teach you the one shift that changed everything for my relationship.