Decaffeinated and Discombobulated

I know it's only March, but I'm doing it. I'm doing all the things! I'm feeling like this is my year so far. I'm accomplishing what might be little to some, but huge to me. I'm feeling like a grown up finally.

Let me explain what that means.

For 7 months now I've been getting up consistently in the morning to get my oldest to school. Anyone who has known me knows how I am not 2 things, a morning person or a great at being motivated person. But I've been doing it! And you know, that first bit was hell. There were so many mornings that I'd be rushing around the kitchen, cursing myself for not making the sandwich or the whatever the night before. I'd glower at the water pitcher that sat empty because I didn't fill it after my last cup of water for the night. There were a couple times I completely forgot something of his and to flag the driver down as she came back down the street. And I was so embarrassed every time. She's a gem of a woman though and has been nothing but kind.
I love it. In the morning when she goes back down the street, she slows the bus so Bubba can wave and we all wave to each other. I think over the past bit, she especially enjoys it because it's me, Buggy, and Blueberry at the window since it's been so cold.

But I digress.

As times has passed, I've gotten better. And that means things have gotten easier. There's been a big breakthrough. I had said that this year was my year to do and not talk about it.
So I'm doing it.

I make the lunch the night before, make sure the backpack is packed and ready, double check the water pitcher is full, and get his clothes ready. Slowly but surely I've evolved into this capable creature and it feels awesome!

I'm slowing down and being less of a reactive person. I'm channeling this silliness that helps me when I'm feeling like my world is spinning out of control, but the reality is it's just my Hobbits being Hobbits. It's fun and it's chaotic, but it's normal. I'm connecting with them in a way I didn't know possible. What once felt like this disconnect, feels like it's getting smaller every day. We laugh more and I don't feel like I'm under such heavy attack when their feelings get big and I'm the safe place to land.

I'm holding boundaries. I'm watching and staying quieter. I pray and really think about my next moves before making them. I'm protecting my energy and by extension, I'm protecting my house. My family. This place that I've built is my safe space And if I lose a few people along the way, so be it.

My daily mantra is:
"I am safe. I am loved. Nobody is going to walk through that door and ruin my peace."

So watch out! I'm doing all the things this year. Fudge Muffins, writing a book, making shirts, and a couple other things that I've wanted to do.

But mostly I'm connecting and being present with my family. That's the best thing I can do.

I have 3 beautiful babies, but I'll never stop wondering who that first one would have been. They'd be 7 years old. Probably in 2nd grade. I wonder whose chin they would have, whose eyes. I wonder about what their favorite color would have been or their favorite animal. I think about how I never held their hand in mine, or even heard their heartbeat.
I was 6 weeks when I miscarried, no warning. My husband (then boyfriend) and I were moving into our first apartment and I'll admit it wasn't the easiest move. In fact, it was extremely stressful, but that's a post for another day.
I was doing the best I could, doing all the heavy lifting of things that belonged to me while he was at work. Although I was stressed about the move, I was also excited. This was a new chapter in my life and I wanted nothing more than to continue writing my story. We moved into the apartment, and I started cramping, bad. No big deal, I was due for my period. And then the bleeding started. But I was not going to be deterred. Halloween was right around the corner and I was doing everything to decorate the apartment and I had plans to dress up like a witch and hand out candy. But that didn't happen.
At about 4 o clock on Halloween day, that's when it happened. I was by myself at the apartment and I felt it.
A day later I was in the doctor's office being told what I knew, but didn't want to be the truth.
Fast forward to the following March and I found out I was pregnant again. We weren't trying! But these things just happen sometimes. And I love my rainbow baby. He is so precious, so special to me. I sobbed when I heard his cry. I felt so many things in that moment: joy, relief, shock, and underneath that all I felt the pain,the longing, and the guilt for it all.
At the time there was so much going on, I shoved the feelings for my other baby, the one I lost down. And that's where I made my mistake. I didn't let myself feel my feelings. I let other people tell me that longing for that baby was selfish and unfair to my baby that made it earthside.
That I had already grieved its loss and I just needed to focus on my little one with me.

I let those thoughts rule me for many years. But recently I realized it's not fair to myself or that baby to never think of them. It's also not taking anything away from the children I have. That was their sibling and even though they're not with us, we have them in our heart. And in mine, I'll always have a little hole, that pitter patter, I'll never hear. But that hole is patched with love, not sealed up, not filled up, but just there collecting the love I have for the baby I never had. 🌈💗

I’m 1 in 4.
I saw two pink lines.
And then I watched them vanish.

No bump pics.
Just blood, silence, and a pain no one talks about.

I was expected to “move on.”
But how do you move on from someone you never even got to hold?

I mourned a baby I never met.
I grieved a future I had already fallen in love with.
And I did it quietly, because the world doesn’t know how to hold space for loss this small, but this heavy.

But... sometimes after the storm, comes a rainbow.

National Rainbow Baby Day is August 22nd.
It’s a day to honor the little ones born after loss.
A day that’s both joy and grief woven together.

For every rainbow baby, there’s a storm that came first.
For every celebration, there’s a heartbreak that lingers.

So when you see us celebrate our rainbows, know this:
We are also remembering the ones who never made it earthside.
We are loving two babies at once...
The one we lost, and the one who brought color back into our world.

💔🌈 August 22nd, National Rainbow Baby Day.

Okay so I meant to post this yesterday and then while figuring out what I wanted to write, I fell asleep. Then every time I tried to post it today, I couldn't. Why? Because life! Life got in the way! But that's another post for another time.

And truthfully I'm still at a bit of a loss as to what to say about yesterday. All in all, I'd consider it a win. We didn't get all the things done, but on the same hand, we got all the things done! 🥳
Breakfast was planned and executed probably the best, which is not how that usually goes. But we had eggs and birthday doughnuts, (thank you to Amber for that idea) and Cowboy coffee (decaffeinated of course). Lunch was homemade Lunchable mini pizzas, and dinner was Bubba's Favorite Burritos (as per Buggy's request), then of course cake. This year he wanted a chocolate and vanilla flavored cake with Godzilla vs King Kong theme. Delicious! And it was our first time ever trying an edible image. We're all still on the fence about it, but I've definitely eaten weirder things. The boys were so excited for the picture though that they didn't even care. It was funny though handing them a piece of the paper that was around the image and telling them to eat it. 😆

All in all, it was a successful day. Yeah, there were things that I didn't get to finish and we didn't get the cake baked until about 3:30 in the afternoon. And he still hasn't opened his presents. 😅 In our house though, the rule is its your birthday until the cake is gone. So we still have a day or two left. 😉 And you know what else? I'm shifting my perspective. I'm not looking at the things I didn't get done as a failure. I made two lists. One was for things I reached to get done and the other was things I needed to get done. I'd say I faired pretty well this time. The Hobbits were happy and that's all I can ask for.

Tomorrow is one of my Hobbit's birthday. My little Buggy is going to be 4 years old. I'm not getting into that because I will for sure start crying. But this is the birthday. This is the year I turned things around. I made a list of the things I wanted to get done for it. And then I really looked at my list. And... there were so many things that at the time when I made it, they were priority. They HAD to be done. But then later? I didn't see a list of priorities. I saw a list of options and it was freeing to say the least. I finally was able to shift my perspective and shorten the list to things that were actually doable, actually manageable. Things that wouldn't cause me stress. Things that I wouldn't feel overwhelmed by trying to complete. Things that would allow me to be there for my children instead of being too busy to do anything with them. And that's the biggest win of all.

I'm trying so hard not to be "that mom"
You know the one. The one who says, "yeah, give me a minute or I'll get to it," or worse, buys the things. Buys the games, the toys, the cards, all the things that symbolize fun and yummy times. I don't want to be the one who's children are upset because the cake hasn't been made yet or the special dinner. The one who has to secretly throw out the ingredients because they went bad. But I am. I am the mom who doesn't celebrate holidays and birthdays on their actual days because even though I have plenty of time to get ready, I just can't get my brain in gear. So I'm scrambling right now to not be that mom. I'm spending more money than I would have had to for an edible image for my Hobbit's birthday. Why? Because he asked for a Godzilla vs. King Kong birthday cake this year and damnit, I'm going to do it for him. So I'm getting the image ordered, I'm saving pictures to print out, I'm trying to find someone who prints out later sized pictures, and I'm trying to find other things that will work for party favors and treats. I'm trying to show my children that I can show up for them, that I can change, and that I can keep my promises. I'm taking it one day at a time and I'm going to do it on time, this time.

Salutations and welcome!
I figure an introduction post is probably a good way to start, but that's not me. I'm pretty terrible at talking about myself in this context. I'm not going to tell you what to expect from this page as if I talk about it, it'll never get done. True story. So pull up a chair or lean against a wall or, my personal favorite, find a spot on the floor and get comfy. We have stories and snacks and decaf coffee. I know, I know, but around here it's BYOC. Bring your own caffeine.