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When your energy is your own, you move different. No outside opinion can influence you because you know what’s yours and what’s not. You don’t resist projections, you find them irrelevant. Every choice comes straight from your core, clean and undeniable. That’s the point where you stop being shaped and start shaping everything around you.

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The person you hate does not carry your hatred. You do.

This is the part almost everyone gets backwards. Hatred feels like it is directed outward, aimed and released at its target like an arrow leaving a bow. But unlike an arrow, hatred does not simply arrive at its destination and disappear from the one who fired it. It has to pass through the body that generated it first, and it leaves residue the entire way. The nervous system that produces sustained hatred is the same nervous system that has to live inside that state, hour after hour, day after day, long after the object of the hatred has moved on with their life, often entirely unaware they were ever the target.

Jung called this shadow projection, casting outward what cannot be tolerated within, then experiencing that projection as coming from the other person rather than recognizing it as your own material, externalized. What you hate most fiercely in another person is frequently a disowned piece of yourself, and the intensity of the hatred is a rough measure of how much energy is required to keep that piece exiled from conscious awareness. The venom does not stay contained to its target. It circulates.

The Buddhist tradition described this precisely: holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. The Stoics taught the same law through different reasoning, that anger and hatred are judgments you have made, existing entirely within your own mind, and that the person you direct them toward often experiences none of the damage you are inflicting on yourself in the process.

What you send out as hatred does not stay gone. It circles back and makes its home in you.

Who are you still hating, and what is that hatred actually costing you, rather than them?
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Art: Hannes Bok

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