Foreplay is a Scam

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One of the most common things I hear in my clinic sounds like this:

“I want s*x more than my partner.”
“I feel rejected.”
“I feel pressured.”

And both people walk in thinking the problem is s*x.

But most of the time, the real issue is something called desire discrepancy — when two partners simply have different levels of s*xual interest.

And here’s the important part: this is incredibly common.
Research shows that most long-term relationships experience desire discrepancy at some point.

Yet when it happens, couples often assume something is broken:
• “My partner doesn’t want me.”
• “Something must be wrong with my libido.”
• “Our relationship is failing.”

So they start counting.

How often are we having s*x?
How often should we be having s*x?
Who initiates more?

But the pain in these relationships usually isn’t actually about the number of s*xual encounters per week.

It’s about:
• feeling wanted
• feeling pressured
• feeling desired
• feeling like you’re failing your partner
• feeling like you’re not enough

When we reduce intimacy to a scoreboard, we miss the real conversation.

Desire discrepancy isn’t a sign your relationship is broken.
It’s a signal that something deeper needs to be understood.

And the good news?

This is a solvable problem when you understand what’s actually happening.

I wrote about the psychology, science, and what couples can do about it in today’s Substack.

If this dynamic feels familiar in your relationship, you’re not alone — and you’re not broken.

Read the full article on Substack

https://substack.com/?r=1eofzy&utm_medium=ios&utm_source=profile&shareImageVariant=image