Parenting Dirty

We don't usually invent beliefs about our kids out of nowhere.
We collect evidence.
“She keeps refusing” eventually becomes “She's stubborn.”
Maybe that's accurate.

I'm just interested in whether it stays information we're checking—or becomes information we've stopped checking.

Today's Parent Leadership Lab explores Belief in the Foundation Years (0–3).
Our beliefs can hold useful information. We just don't want them to stop us from collecting new information.

I trust Patterns.
Sometimes “I've been here before” is incredibly useful information.
But this week made me notice how easily:

“This is what usually happens”
can become:
“This is what's going to happen.”

And now I'm wondering how I show up when I've already decided I know the ending.
Today's Parent Leadership Lab is Melissa's Reflection on Pattern.
Where do you notice yourself expecting the Pattern before it happens?

It's easy to notice something repeating and think:
“There. That's the Pattern.”
But maybe we've only found the part that repeats.
I'm becoming more interested in:
How do we keep getting here?
Because understanding the path might show us somewhere something could be different.
This week's Parenting Dirty Hypothesis:
The repetition helps us notice a Pattern. Understanding how we keep getting there helps us learn from it.

Seeing something happen repeatedly doesn't necessarily mean we've figured out the Pattern.
Sometimes we've only noticed the outcome.
Before telling our adult child:
“You always do this.”
try:
“Does any part of this feel familiar?”
They may see the same Pattern. They may see a different one. Or maybe neither of you has enough information yet.
Today's Parent Leadership Lab explores Pattern in the Launch Years (18–25).

Have you ever had a conversation with your teenager where you could almost write both sides before it started?
You say this.
They say that.
You respond.
They react.
Here we go again.

After enough repetitions, maybe a Pattern doesn't only teach us what usually happens.
It teaches us what to expect.

And now we may both enter the next interaction already preparing for the other person to play their usual part.
So before the next familiar conversation, I'm interested in asking:
“What am I already expecting them to do?”
And then changing just one thing I normally bring into the Pattern.
Not to force a different outcome.
Just to find out what happens.
Today's Parent Leadership Lab explores Pattern in the Teen Years (13–18).
Is there a conversation in your house where everyone already seems to know their lines?

When something with our kids keeps ending the same way, it's easy to focus on the ending.

How do we stop the rushed morning?
How do we stop the homework fight?
How do we stop the meltdown before practice?

But by the time we've reached the part we're trying to change, we may already be pretty far into the Pattern.

So what happens if we rewind?
What happened immediately before it?
And before that?
And before that?

Today's Parent Leadership Lab explores Pattern in the Middle Years (8–12).
Sometimes we're trying to change the end of a Pattern when the place we could actually change it happened much earlier.
Think of one recurring struggle in your house: Where does it actually start?

“Why do they keep doing this?”
I've been thinking about how that question can accidentally make us look at only one person in an interaction.

What happens if we zoom out?
What do they do?
What do I do next?
Then what do they do?
Then what do I do?

Suddenly, what looked like a repeated behaviour might also be a repeated exchange.

That doesn't mean blaming the parent.
It just gives us more of the Pattern to look at.
Today's Parent Leadership Lab explores Pattern in the Early Years (4–7).
Can you think of an interaction with your child where you could almost predict both of your next lines?

When something keeps happening, it's natural to think:
“We've got a pattern.”
Maybe.
But what exactly is repeating?

Sometimes the behaviour we're noticing might only be the piece that got our attention.
So I'm interested in looking around it:

What happens before?
What happens after?
When doesn't it happen?

Instead of:
“Why do they keep doing this?”
try:
“What else keeps happening when this happens?”

Today's Parent Leadership Lab explores Pattern in the Foundation Years (0–3).

Repetition might not tell us what the Pattern is.
It might tell us where to start looking for one.

The event didn't change. I did.
That's probably the thought from this week's exploration of Meaning that has stayed with me the most.
There are things in my life I understand completely differently now than I did when they happened.
And I like what that gives me permission to consider:
I don't necessarily have to get every Meaning right the first time.
Neither do my kids.
We're making sense of our lives with the information, experiences and understanding available to us at the time.
Sometimes we'll come back years later carrying something we didn't have before.
That doesn't require rewriting what happened or turning something painful into a lesson.
Sometimes it can simply be:
“This means something different to me now.”
Today's Parent Leadership Lab is Melissa's Reflection on Meaning.
Has time ever changed what an experience meant to you?