Connected Conversations

Family relationships won’t grow in a vacuum.

They grow in and through connection with others and in connection with the environment.

Spending time together filled with awe at the vastness of the universe, or the beauty of the world we live in gives us a sense of perspective and helps us find our place together.

Connections count.

How are you creating them?

One regular FAQ I get is this, “If I can’t give them that, what do I give them?”

It’s an excellent question, and while the answer is different for every parent, it starts with the question, “What do they need?”

Bottom line: they need YOU to love them while they figure life out.

Every adolescent/young adult needs a safe space to share their wins, their challenges and their goals. A space where they can be seen and heard fully and completely. They need an adult who knows their shared history and experiences. An adult who can bring generational insights to the conversation. An adult who loves them deeply.

This will look different in every family, with one commonality …

If they’re ready for your opinion, they’ll ask for it.

As the tūī fill the garden with their flittering and games of chase, I wonder, "What are their connections?”

I te wā o mua, in the time before us, tūī were seen as messengers, bringing communication from the Atua, Gods.

After colonisation they were popularly known as the parson bird because their two white throat tufts reminded people of a parson’s collar.

Now we’re back to calling them tūī.

Did you know they have dual voiceboxes?

This means they can copy everyday sounds as well as create haunting, ethereal melodies. I te wā o mua it was thought this wide vocal ability was for the purpose of bridging the gap between the afterlife and earth.

To watch them is peaceful.
To hear them is joy.
To live with them is aroha.

Just as a good compost pile can create good garden growth, so too can a good compost pile of past personal stories create extraordinary personal growth.

It takes time, air, regular turning and just the right amount of water and sun to achieve the perfect compost heap.

And it’s the same for us. It takes time, air, regular turning and just the right amount of events to achieve our perfect, personal compost heap. Our past is our history. What we choose to do with it is up to us.

We can:
Hold on tightly
Release it
Create compost

This is important because growing great humans takes intention, time, and parents who know themselves well. When we know ourselves well we get to show up whole and complete.

Parenting from a place of love and response, rather than from a place of reaction and regret.

Where in your life are you holding on to past stories, when you could be releasing them or using them to create compost?

Something happened.

Which means, there’s some facts to be found. Black and white facts. Evidence. We know what happened. We could watch it on replay and all be in agreement about the facts.

And, there’s also what we tell ourselves about what happened.

The stories. The feelings. The interpretations. The opinions.

These are the things we come to believe are the truth. When we retell our stories these are the things we think happened.

But they’re not. The facts are the things that happened.

Not our story about the facts.

One scenario, many retellings.

Parental retellings to, and about, our rangatahi shape and mould their view of themselves. They become the facts of the fiction and will be carried forward.

What are we handing down?

What happens inside our head defines our life

The stories we tell ourselves are the stories that go on to create our lives.

Our thoughts are that powerful.

Our words are our wands.

It’s empowering to know this.

Understanding the power of our voices is understanding ourselves.

The power of the stories our voices tell is the power of our lives.

And, when we're parents, the power of our stories is not only the power of our lives, but also the power of the lives of our rangatahi.

It’s time to press pause, and notice what those stories are.

There are unseen invisible forces at work in our lives.

Keeping us connected because we want to be.

Not because we ‘should’ or we ‘must’ or we ‘need to.’

Simply because we acknowledge the importance of one another in our lives.

Creating relationships that are deep, meaningful, enduring.

Without family we are only partly ourselves.

With family we are whole.

An invisible web of intricate connections.

Shaped by our experiences.

Made by our history.

Activated by our words.

Strengthened by our actions.

Creating connections that stretch across time.

Binding ourselves with others.

Bonds of aroha, bonds of joy, bonds of peace.

Listening is the beginning of everything.

When we listen to others, we bring ideas and input into our brains. We open our minds and our hearts.

When we listen to ourselves, we process all this new input. Hearing others and trying out their thoughts, ideas and opinions.

We don’t have to take them on.

Figuring out what we think is too important to hand over to others.

Listening is a process. A process of growth and learning.

Listening is the beginning point of change.

How you wish to parent doesn’t have to match how you parent now.

If you’re up for a change, sign up for the next pānui here https://connected-conversations.kit.com/d8c1a53d54 and catch one change that’s making ripples in my whānau.