Okay Everything

Doing it anyway.

In a messy middle of trying to grow my business. Bouncing between absolute joy and lack of faith. Between loving my job and wanting to give it up.

At the end of the day, I know this is the right thing for me, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Do it all the time.

I’m close to hitting five years of self employment as a full time artist and there is no off button, there is no one else to blame or get mad at, there is no other reason for success or failure (“failure”) other than… me.

The longer I do this, the more clear it is how much I don’t want to do anything else.

It never becomes less scary.
I never second guess myself less.
I just keep doing it anyway.
💞

Second time painting ice cream cones and yes please I’d like to paint 100 more.

More murals! More color! More life!

Baltimore timonium woman-owned small business Maryland dmv painter mural muralist murals

I come from many years of anxiety, of expectations for myself I didn’t realize I borrowed from someone else, from masking into Type A, organized, on a schedule, from hiding being an artist, from one million snoozed alarms and late arrivals, from feeling piles of bees in my chest.

And I’ve arrived into some new kind of quiet. Or, not quiet, but a gentle hum so much more welcome than the flurry of panic, of abandoning myself, of trying to be what I thought I needed to be.

I worry every day as a small business owner, as a single person with a mortgage, as someone 39 and living alone, being so far from my goals…

…and every day I look around, astounded. I wake up with dogs on each side, in a bedroom the softest sweetest pink. I walk into my studio, my! Studio! to see the most wonderful friends and inspiring artists. I go for runs along the Baltimore Harbor, taken with the lights, with the water, with the steps of so many people calling this city home.

I’m so grateful. I’m so human. Thanks for being here with me. 💞

Wisdom from Dolly.

What an icon, a role model, an authentic human through it all.

As a self-employed person, I’m constantly debating if it’s time to jump out of the game or train harder. How long can my body sustain painting? How about my interest? Or my mortgage?

On the internet we’re all sparkly, but just like everyone else I will repeat: being self-employed is hard. Decision fatigue is constant. Certainty doesn’t exist.

But every time I doubt continuing, I take a deep breath and look around. Everything I’ve built. All the freedom I have. How proud I am, even if it’s not hitting the salary I walked away from. Everything is a process, and while cortisol comes with the territory, I can’t see myself living any other way. 💞