Zenith

I apologize for the late posting of this menu. My faculties were not at their best when I finally got home last night, and although I tried, I could not string together enough words to form a single recognizable thought.

Even now, after what passes for a sufficient amount of sleep, starting my second cup of coffee, and administering a couple of eye drops, my clarity remains foggy at best.

My current state is somewhat apropos, as it is also within this message that I must announce that, after today, The Zenith will be closed for vacation next week.

The Zenith does not do this of its own volition. Rather, the chief cake maker and old-person monitor (yes, we do require supervision at times) says she wants some time off. Then the girl who does everything says the same thing. Shortly afterward, the little heart of Sunday brunch and chief cheerleader announces that she too needs a break.

At that point, we here at Zenith Labs must capitulate.

Besides, my cake-making prowess is somewhat questionable even under ideal conditions, and at this particular moment we would only be saving you from a great deal of disappointment.

Oh—I just realized I did not need the eye drops.

My computer-screen glasses were dirty.

Anyway, come and get your Zenith today, because after that we disappear for a while.

So, after repeated public pressure (thank you, John), The Zenith has finally surrendered and made the highly anticipated Gazpacho Soup.

Naturally, we waited until the sweltering heat disappeared and the weather became mild and pleasant before making the cold soup.

That is the kind of impeccable timing you can only achieve through decades of poor business decisions.

Still, we managed to make it before autumn, when serving gazpacho would have crossed the line from questionable into criminal.

I do not know about you, but “gazpacho” has never sounded like soup to me. It sounds more like either a medical condition or something shouted immediately before a fistfight.

“What in the gazpacho were you thinking?”

Or:

“John had to call off work today. He has a severe case of gazpacho.”

Either way, it sounds unpleasant.

Anyway, this is our final week before The Zenith closes for vacation, so we made several favorites and added one new dish: Red Bean Chile-Stuffed Peppers.

They are extremely hot, which means you can order them, immediately regret your decision, and then demand a bowl of cold soup.

See? The menu may appear chaotic, poorly timed, and medically suspicious—but here at Zenith Labs, we prefer to call that a dining strategy.

Somewhere, somehow, amid all the excitement of throwing together this week’s menu, we neglected to make a soup!

Tragic as this may be, we did manage to make Seitan Fajitas and Chipotle Mashed Potato-Stuffed Portobello Mushrooms. Upon realizing that the folks at Zenith Labs were becoming decidedly Tex-Mexy, we made an abrupt turn toward the wholesome Americana of the Tofu Salad Sandwich.

Wishing not to neglect our Indian friends, we then added the Curry Veggie Burrito—which is doubly confusing because it is Indian food wrapped in a Mexican-style burrito.

Anyway, while The Zenith struggles through yet another identity crisis, we somehow forgot to make soup.

Sorry!

This reminds me of a critique someone once wrote claiming that The Zenith only makes “90s-style vegan food.”

LOL.

Firstly, yes, we were around in the 90s—but what exactly does that mean? Was food in the 90s somehow worse than the modern food of 2026? And what exactly is this mysterious modern food?

I thought to myself, boy, life must have been pretty hard back then. Think of all the modern food I was missing!

I mean, I understand that when you have an agenda and wish to criticize someone, you have to come up with something—but at least make it pertinent.

That one was funny, but the best review was—and I quote:

“I can’t get over eating on the used dishes.”

That one still makes me chuckle.

If only they knew that, for an extra five dollars slipped discreetly to the waitress, we would have gone into the back room and unwrapped a brand-new plate from the special case of dishes reserved exclusively for our more discerning customers.

Seriously though, folks, if you are going to critique The Zenith, at least bring enough imagination to avoid embarrassing us both

We closed early today the air is just too ba! See you tomorrow:)

After three weeks of what can only be described as sweltering, bordering-on-cataclysmic temperatures (that have nothing whatsoever to do with the long-term effects of global warming… because, as you all know, that is just “fake news”), The Zenith has once again decided to risk commerce in the spirit of maintaining our already lackluster business decision-making process.

At this point, my only true concern is that if we are now to be miraculously flung into a tropical climate… why do we not have monkeys?

Monkeys would be fun, right?

Anyway, we threw together a pretty good menu for this week in spite of our lack of (other) simians. To confuse things even further, the Barbecue Tofu and Seitan Steak sandwiches are on the same menu—and that, my friends, is not “fake news!”

I awoke to the news that Senator Lindsey Graham unfortunately passed away last night.

It is my theory that he succumbed to acute inauthenticity syndrome, a rare condition similar to what occurs when the body detects a foreign object and attacks the offending organ.

After years of misrepresentation and insincerity, the body gradually becomes confused and begins rejecting its own host. Unfortunately, despite massive doses of anti-rejection medication, his body finally won the battle.

I understand that his final words were of a truthful nature, causing a slight disruption in the ICU’s power grid.

An attending nurse reportedly overheard him say:

“This Jell-O is tasty.”

Upon hearing this small but unmistakably truthful statement, she detected the sharp scent of ozone wafting through the room, followed by a brief power surge throughout the hospital.

When the electricity came back online, the senator had already passed away. All attempts to revive him were futile.

The nurse said it was as though his body did not want to risk losing that momentary state of integrity.

Following this Sunday’s brunch, the Zenith will hold a small vigil beside the Jesus Wall in recognition of this tiny breakthrough in political honesty.

It is our sincere hope that this rare and fragile condition might prove contagious and spread through the halls of Congress like a long-awaited virus.