Sober Life

August 11

True Self
"While the Inner Child or True Self can be the spark of our creativity, we must also remember the child is a deeply hurt part of ourselves." BRB p. 303

Many of us have pursued an understanding of our True Self, awakening our Inner Child and expressing our creativity in hopes of relieving ourselves from suffering. Yet we face an obstacle - a persistent and harsh selfjudgment that we can't seem to stop. This underlying thinking compels us to continue dysfunctional and addictive behaviors. We wonder why we can't get out from under this "curse-like" self-sabotage and realize the promise of our True Self.

We learn in ACA to get in touch with and feel the pain and grief of the deeply hurt parts of ourselves in order for the True Self to blossom. We've avoided this for years, usually unconsciously, and we've suffered from the consequences of this avoidance. We come to see that we won't enjoy the fulfillment of living as our True Selves until we face and get free from the roots of the wounded parts from childhood.

With our Higher Power's help, and support from our fellow travelers, we practice a gentle and gradual process of peeling the layers of the onion to find the core of our pain and, paradoxically, to find the joy of our True Self. It's an organic process unique to each of us, yet we're supported in a unified approach that integrates the Steps, our Higher Power, and our Inner Child.

On this day I have the courage to face what's necessary so I can realize the promise of my True Self.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families

August 10

Our Past is an Asset
"Our experience tells us that our past can be our greatest asset if we are willing to ask for help and do the work to find out what happened." BRB p. 153

We sometimes wonder how differently we could have turned out had we been raised without the problems of alcoholism or family dysfunction. While it is normal for us to consider "what ifs," we know that when we work through the abuse and hardship of our childhoods, we can come out so much better on the other side.

But what can possibly make our past an asset? In recovery, we see that all we've been through provides us a unique opportunity to look deeper at our lives than we might have otherwise. We take on the task of untangling the web of our history, knowing that greater peace will result. We revisit old wounds so that we may finally heal the hurt and better understand our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors today. We are able to reclaim our inner strength and learn from our struggles.

In ACA we don't do all of this work alone. We may have been alone as children, but now we have our fellow travelers. We hear them share the same pain, and see the wisdom and knowledge they have gained in their own recovery. This same wisdom and knowledge is becoming part of who we are, also.

On this day I recognize that my past provides a unique opportunity to grow in self-actualization. I look forward to the continual wisdom recovery offers.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families

August 09

Shame and Blame
"As ACA becomes a safe place for you, you will find freedom to express all the hurts and fears you have kept inside and to free yourself from the shame and blame that are carryovers from the past." BRB p. 590

The cycle of shame and blame was well established in our families of origin. We heard abusive words and/or were physically punished. We emerged from all of this with an established sense of shame that included thinking of ourselves as

Defective: something is wrong with me
Helpless: nothing can be done about this
Alone: nobody else has this problem
As adults, some of us found that if we shifted blame to others, we could hide our own sense of shame. Some of us may have lashed out with extreme anger, not knowing where it came from, or used perfectionism, pride, people-pleasing, and approval-seeking to cover up our sense of shame. Some of us fell victim to addictions.

In ACA, we come to appreciate that there is nothing wrong with us that meetings, a sponsor and consistently working the Steps cannot overcome. Shame and blame give way to an understanding that we make mistakes, but we are not mistakes! We claim the identity that we are inherently good, even with all our perceived misgivings, warts and dents.

On this day I will use my courage and honesty to break the generational bonds of shame and blame.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families

August 08

Trait Nine
"We confuse love and pity and tend to ‘love' people we can ‘pity' and ‘rescue.'" BRB p. 12

In many aspects of our lives we are drawn to the familiar, not because it is good for us, but because it is more comfortable than change. The fact is that as much as many of us protest, we are drawn to other dysfunctional people. The reason for this attraction is very likely a deep sense of shame many of us carry from our childhood that we keep as our well-guarded secret. The message of this shame is that we are not "good enough," because as children we did not feel valued for who we were.

Only by entering into relationships with other sick people will our secret be secure in the chaos of the dysfunctional. We can focus on them and rescue them, which often makes them want us more - at least for a while.

As we gain self-respect in ACA, these innate attractions start to disappear because we realize we're not getting our needs met. As we change, and as hard as it can seem at first, we may have to leave some relationships behind if the other people are not willing to change also. In doing so, we learn to reject the notion that this is somehow selfish. That is codependent thinking that is not fair to anyone, least of all ourselves.

On this day, with the help of my Higher Power, I choose healthy people to be part of my life, people who are willing to embrace the new me.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families

August 7
Competing with others
Attitude

Some of us never liked close competition. We preferred to be clear winners or not to compete at all. We didn’t like to have competitors breathing down our necks.

This attitude kept us from doing our best, and we made a mistake when we thought we were competing with others. We’re actually competing with ourselves at all times, trying to do better than we did yesterday. The presence of other people only helps us to set performance standards and goals.

Once we accept the idea of self-improvement, we can delight in competition. We can take satisfaction in situations where, though we were not number one, we came in a close second instead of a sullen last.

I’ll know today that I’m always working with others but only competing against myself.

August 6

Stop fighting it

I go to the refrigerator and open the door. The food in it smells bad, the air feels warm. I decide that the power must have gone off for a while and close the door. My friend comes over later that day and opens the refrigerator, to get himself a soda.

“Whew,” he says. “There’s something wrong with your refrigerator.”

“No, the power just went off for a while,” I said.

I don’t want anything to be wrong with the refrigerator. I’m busy with too many other things. I don’t want to take the time to call a repair service, be interrupted when they come to the house, then be interrupted again and again, as they come back to fix it.

Later that night, I open the refrigerator again. I look for a moment, then slam the door shut. Dang, it is broken, I think. I take all the frustration about the inconvenience and use the energy to surrender to the problem, then get it fixed.

There’s a difference between fighting with a problem and pushing against the resistance it offers in our lives. When we fight with the alcoholic to sober up, we’re fighting with the problem. When we get hurt and angry enough to push against it, we use that frustration to motivate us to surrender, then go to an Al-Anon meeting, or a therapist, and begin to learn how to detach and take care of ourselves. Life gets better. Instead of fighting with the problem, we’re pushing against it and using the resistance to move down our path.

Are you fighting with a problem in your life right now, instead of using the resistance it offers as a challenge to grow? Instead of depleting your energy fighting with that problem, surrender. Then use the frustration and upset as motivation to assert yourself and take positive action.

God, thank you for the resistance in my life. Help me stop fighting with it and to use that energy to truly solve the problem.

-Language of Letting Go

August 05

Tolerating Pain
"The level of pain that adult children can tolerate without admitting they have hit a bottom is astonishing." BRB p. 68

We learned to live with pain as children and continued to do so as adults. When faced with the pain of toxic relationships, we slip into survival mode to avoid the uncertainty of change.

We know that our lives are in chaos, that we accept the unacceptable from the people around us, and that we have no reason to expect tomorrow to be better. Yet we trudge through each day, often with a pain so deep it feels out of reach.

Everyone who has walked into ACA has felt the apprehension that comes with change. Often, fear of change is so strong that we can still convince ourselves that things aren't that bad.

We are all creatures of habit, even when those habits are harmful to us. ACA is the first step in saying our lives are out of control and we need help. The question is, do we want to live a life that "isn't that bad," or do we have the faith in our Higher Power, in our program, and in ourselves to overcome the fear of change?

We do not have to do this alone. Our fellow travelers are more than willing to take the journey with us.

On this day I will reach out my hand to end the cycle of pain and know there will be someone there to hold onto.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families

August 04

Spiritual, not Religious
"In ACA, we take a spiritual and not religious approach to healing the effects of being raised in a dysfunctional home." BRB p. 76

The writers of the 12 Steps knew that, even though we claimed to be spiritual, the use of the word "God" could be controversial.

When we hear the word "God" in our meetings, some of us feel comforted, and some of us experience negativity and sadness. No matter what our reaction, it is important for us to remember that in ACA we unite around a spiritual foundation that allows us to believe what we choose.

Many of us grew up knowing a loving, supportive God, and many of us grew up with a punishing God. No matter what beliefs we had in childhood, we often found a different understanding as adults. In many cases, we continue to search for a path that feels comfortable.

Spiritual, not religious means that our fellowship recognizes there are many belief systems, and the cloak of spirituality allows us to be equals in our recovery. No one of us knows the right answer for anyone else. There is no one right way to believe, and we respect each other's differences, even while we unconditionally support each other.

On this day, while I seek to strengthen my spiritual belief, I practice tolerance for beliefs that differ from mine.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families

August 03

Step Eight
"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." BRB p. 227

Making an amends list is part of wiping the slate clean for ourselves and walking into a new way of life. Many of us had been part of physically and emotionally unsafe relationships as adults, and we knew we eventually had to own our part in those relationships.

As we made our amends list, we were told to put ourselves first. In doing so, we thought about all the things we had lost, most importantly our childhoods, and what that meant for us. Even though we missed the stages of child development we were entitled to, we realized we could nurture ourselves and help make up for that loss.

In making amends to ourselves, we acknowledge any self-harm we have done, including not forgiving ourselves for simply being human. Then we move on to amends to others, knowing we aren't being asked to make amends to unsafe people.

Taking Step Eight helps us grow spiritually and emotionally. Whatever amends we eventually make, it's a healing process. As part of this process, we continue to work on the character defects that have placed us in the position of making amends in the first place. We go forward in confidence and love to whatever comes next.

On this day I will stay current with the amends I owe myself, and then work with those I may owe others.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families

August 02

Dissociation
"Another form of not being in the body involves dissociation or ‘leaving the body.'" BRB p. 269

As kids, we may have gotten into big trouble when we showed how we felt. So many of us taught our little faces and voices and bodies NOT to show emotion. We may have eventually learned to disconnect from our feelings even before they surfaced. We knew we had to live physically in our bodies, but we could refuse to listen to what our bodies were trying to tell us. Some of us became so dissociated that we even looked at others to know when to smile or frown. We had lost our identities in the process.

When we found ACA, we heard dissociation described as a disconnection from our feelings, thoughts, body needs and other parts of ourselves. We also learned that childhood trauma was the cause.

At meetings, when we heard others say they felt numb, empty or dead inside, we may have identified because of our own trauma and disconnect. We heard that change is possible, but it requires work.

When we make the commitment to ourselves, our feelings start to show up; they may be strong and come in large quantities. It's scary, but we have the support of other ACAs. Working the program, and learning to trust in a Higher Power, helps us restore our True Selves. We accept our feelings and become who we were meant to be.

On this day I will pause, find a quiet place to sit, and breathe whenever I feel disconnected from myself. I will maintain conscious contact with my Higher Power…and myself.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families