Dustin Sims

I almost died trying to put deodorant on this morning. I dont know what the f**k happened but I lifted my arm and turned my neck at the same time and apparently pinched the main extension cord to my entire body. Whole left side shut down. I dropped the deodorant and just stood there naked with one arm stuck over my head like somebody zip tied a Make-A-Wish kid to a ceiling fan. Dana said “are you okay?” NO DANA CALL SOMEBODY. Not an ambulance I cant afford that s**t. Call a chiropractor, veterinarian, AutoZone, anybody with a lift. Im 35 years old and apparently my check engine light is my as***le tingling. So anyway to help pay for my impending spinal reconstruction 😂 Im running a special for TWO businesses today only. If you want me to make a funny ass commercial for your business comment “MY NECK MY BACK” and what your business does and Ill reach out to you. The more boring your business is the better. Insurance, septic tanks, accounting, funeral homes, whatever. And if your business is weird as f**k PLEASE comment because thats my favorite s**t to do. First two that lock it in get it. And dont try to haggle me I know what I have.

My son was about to s**t his pants…

I said, “Hang on, buddy. I gotta get this bass in first.”

He lost that race.

Anyway…

📍 Aug. 14 – Mountain Home, AR
📍 Aug. 29 – Doniphan, MO (Redneck Rendezvous)
📍 Aug. 30 – Osceola, AR (Comedy in a damn wrestling ring)
📍 Sept. 5 – Fruithurst, AL (Hillbilly Hangout)

If you’re coming, let me know what city you’re from. Comment TICKETS and I’ll send you the link.

If I’m not coming near you, where the hell should I go next?

Y’all done f**ked up now.

I asked y’all to tell me the smallest, most redneck town that deserved a comedy show… and Doniphan showed the hell up. Y’all were the #1 most requested town by a f**king mile.

So you can quit askin’.
Daddy’s on the way.

August 29 we’re taking over Rocky River Resort for the first-ever Rocky River Redneck Rendezvous.

Bring your lawn chair, bring your cousins, bring your ex… hell, bring your ex’s new man. I don’t give a s**t. Just bring somebody.

Let’s see if Doniphan can throw the biggest damn comedy party this side of the Ozarks.

🎟️ Tickets are LIVE

Doniphan… let’s see what the f**k y’all got

Had a feller message me on here a few months back asking for a pair of my sweaty socks. I said “nah.” But then he offered me $150 for them.. so now he’s on a monthly subscription. I don’t kink shame. F**k it, I’m in customer service now.

I find myself concerned if he’s happy with the product. I’m sending follow-up emails like

“Hey buddy just checking in. How’d you enjoy this month’s shipment?”

“Scale of 1 to 10, how sweaty were we?”

“Anything you’d like to see improved?”

“Less mowing… more hiking??”

“Long day at Disney? We can do that.”

“Want the premium package? The county fair in August is gonna cost extra.”

Fr tho I almost bought new socks today… then I thought what the f**k am I doing?? Ruining the product. Rookie s**t. Now when I catch myself outside in this heat I just think man he’s gonna love these.

This might officially be my youngest fan.

Her mama brought her to the show tonight at Knights Tavern TX. Which is f**king wild, but I’m here for it. She got herself a F**kface bracelet and immediately decided it looked delicious.

If her first word ends up being “f**kface” that’s between y’all and CPS.

Plantersville, TX y’all are my ppl. I love it.

San Antonio… y’all are some weird mother f**kers and I mean that as a compliment lol

We did over two hours tonight in an aquarium, and the energy never dropped. Hell only reason we stopped was because apparently penguins have a bedtime. The room was dope! It was decorated like Finding Nemo’s Sweet 16. Whoever looked at that place and said “The penguins aren’t moving enough tickets. Get me those two perverts from Facebook. Have them come talk about their p***s for two hours “ deserves a raise.

Shout out to Jesse Peyton for putting me on and always bringing the heat. Funniest mf I know.

We packed that bitch. The crowd was wild. Some of those relationship questions had me thinking I may need ACTUAL therapy.

My favorite part tho… a couple that’s been following me for years commented before the show and reminded me they got arrested after my last San Antonio show.

I’m happy to report…
They did NOT get arrested tonight.

We’re all growing together baby 😂

Seriously… thank y’all. Every time y’all buy a ticket, share a video, or drag your spouse out to one of these shows, you’re letting some du***ss hillbilly from Alabama live his dream. I don’t take it for granted.

San Antonio.. let’s do it again sometime.

My daughter asked if I’d do a face mask with her. I said “Nah, sorry baby, but daddyo is claustrophobic.” She don’t know what that means but it sounds serious. What she DOES know is that when it comes to her I’m soft as baby s**t. So she asks again.. next thing I know I’m asking s**t like “Does this have aloe in it?” I thought we were having a cute, relaxing moment. You know.. bonding and moisturizing. I didn’t realize she was f**king reupholstering my s**t. She said she was going to hydrate my face not install a new one.. I said “baby am I wearing left over people??” She said what do you mean? I told her I wasn’t under the impression this s**t came with a previous owner. She f**kin taxidermied me. Where did she get this?? An organ donor? Is this identity theft? I look like a microwaved mannequin. Or a face someone drew from memory. When I told her to make me hot I didn’t mean like I walked out of a house fire. Dana said I looked like Silence of the Lambs: Sephora Edition 💅

That being said.. if you’re in San Antonio or Plantersville Texas and you don’t buy tickets to my shows this weekend I’ll f**kin see you when I see you 👀 sleep tight Pl***oy