Bozhena Evans Therapy

I see this often in my work with couples, wires getting crossed and partners getting triggered, conflict escalating, and partners feeling frustrated or hurt…

🌾One simple rule of thumb to keep in mind when initiating a more involved or potentially charged conversation is to notice what the mood and timing is like—if it’s the best time, place and headspace to talk, or if the conversation can wait a bit.

🌾It can be really helpful to ask your partner if they’re available for a chat, as it may not be the best time to have a more calm and attuned conversation.

🌾There is less reason to feel dismissed or neglected if your partner communicates desire to engage in the conversation even if they aren’t able to do so now, along with an idea of when they would be available to talk (preferably within the next day or two).

This man is a gem, and I don’t speak about him enough. He loves and fights for me and our family, gets us outside into nature to help us all access more peace and awe, and in many ways is an exceptional human being.

🌾He and I had a big conflict earlier that day, but he insisted we get outside as a family without too many distractions, and we were better for it. He and I were able to repair and reconnect once our nervous systems were more calm.

As we learn to honor our emotions, let’s not forget that our own authentic experience may be different from that of the person with whom we are attempting to communicate.

🌾If we’re genuinely hoping to preserve connection, it’s helpful to pause before we text or speak, and notice if we’re getting triggered.

🌾Notice wanting to text instead of have an actual conversation. It’s much easier to be divisive with language behind a screen rather than in person or even on the phone.

🌾Notice more impulsive communication rather than taking time to be thoughtful and evaluate the best time and context for communicating.

🌾Notice using language that might be shaming or blaming the other person, speaking about their character, or attributes they are unable to change within themselves.

🌾Prepare for the possibility of your communication to miss the intended impact, sometimes it does, but taking all of the above considerations into account will help increase the likelihood of a smoother exchange.

Just a reminder to be excellent to each other, lovelies. Practice love and where you can, live joyfully, and take good care of your mind and body. We never know what a day can bring🙏🏽💕❤️‍🩹.

🌾And don’t forget to seek support if you need it.

Some people have a biopsychosocial propensity toward experiencing their emotions very strongly, and this often leads to polarized thoughts that just make them feel worse and that can also negatively impact their relationships.

🌾For example, if you get your feelings hurt because someone didn’t return a text promptly, those feelings can get amplified into more discomfort, which can lead to problematic thoughts like, “well I guess they don’t think I’m funny,” or “I said something wrong/stupid…” or “they don’t like me” etc.

🌾While your feelings are valid, it doesn’t make them true. It also doesn’t serve your relationships to act on such feelings because acting on false narratives can push people away and become a self-fulfilling prophecy that reinforces a false idea that something is wrong with you, or that you shouldn’t trust people, and so forth.

Instead of fueling the fire with negative narratives:

🌾Simply notice that you’re having feelings of rejection or hurt.

🌾Try to calm your nervous system by engaging in a pleasurable activity, exercise, or doing some breathing.

🌾Notice feeling more calm, and then see if there could be other possibilities for why a text wasn’t returned promptly, such as someone is occupied with an activity and will eventually get back to you, for example.

🌾Notice feeling better and overall more grounded, having soothed yourself instead of prematurely reacting at the other person, and potentially disrupting your relationship.

🌾This also allows for more patience which can allow for more information to be revealed about the situation.